JOSHUA COLEMAN, Ph.D
Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a non-partisan organization of leading sociologists, historians, psychologists and demographers dedicated to providing the press and public with the latest research and best practice findings about American families.
He has written for The New York Times, The Atlantic, NBC THINK, The Behavioral Scientist, CNN, MarketWatch, the San Francisco Chronicle, Greater Good Magazine, AEON, Huffington Post, Psychology Today and more. He has given talks to the faculties at Harvard, the Weill Cornell Department of Psychiatry and other academic institutions. A frequent guest on the Today Show and NPR he has also been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, PBS, America Online Coaches, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.
He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Rules of Estrangement (Random House); The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins)
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
His books have been translated into Chinese, Korean, Russian, Polish, and Crotian.
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
Dr Coleman also writes music for film and television. His music has been featured on Lethal Weapon, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Longmire, Shameless, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Fresh Off the Boat, Supergirl, Mistresses, Hustlers, RuPaul's Drag Race and many more.
He has written for The New York Times, The Atlantic, NBC THINK, The Behavioral Scientist, CNN, MarketWatch, the San Francisco Chronicle, Greater Good Magazine, AEON, Huffington Post, Psychology Today and more. He has given talks to the faculties at Harvard, the Weill Cornell Department of Psychiatry and other academic institutions. A frequent guest on the Today Show and NPR he has also been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, PBS, America Online Coaches, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.
He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Rules of Estrangement (Random House); The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins)
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
His books have been translated into Chinese, Korean, Russian, Polish, and Crotian.
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
Dr Coleman also writes music for film and television. His music has been featured on Lethal Weapon, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Longmire, Shameless, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Fresh Off the Boat, Supergirl, Mistresses, Hustlers, RuPaul's Drag Race and many more.
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DO GRANDPARENTS MATTER?
Even Matter? Studies show that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not only good for the well-being of the grandparent, it's good for children's development. This isn't terribly surprising. Grandparents serve a number of important roles. They:
How Do I Handle My Adult Child's Abusive Behavior?
This is a point of concern and confusion for many parents for the following reasons:
What is the effect of abuse on the parent? Most parents have a hard enough time with their child's estrangement, without having to endure abuse from the child. While no one is completely immune to the effects of verbal abuse, our children probably have more power than anyone to make us feel helpless, hopeless, guilt-ridden, and depressed. This is because our children are the people in whom we've invested the greatest amount of love, time and money and for whom we have had the highest hopes of being loved in return. In addition, most if not all parents get their self-esteem as parents from how their children treat them. If their children are loving and respectful, most parents feel not only proud of their children's behavior, but proud of the reflection that the adult child holds up to them as parents. Estranged parents are deprived of this mirror and have to work much harder to maintain their self-esteem and psychological balance. For those with children whose lives haven't gone well, the parent has the double sorrow of worry about the child, and guilt and sorrow that there isn't the closeness with that child that they assumed would be there at this point in their lives. Estrangement Can Create Depression
One of the greater challenges that estranged parents face is being able to maintain their mood in the face of being estranged from their child or children. This is because estrangement can feel like a daily if not hourly rejection from those we love and need the most. It can feel like a repudiation of our most sincere and dedicated efforts. It can cut us off from one of the most valuable sources of love and support that exists, the love of a child or grandchild. In addition, depression can invite to the table a whole slew of self-hating and self-destructive thoughts such as blame, guilt, regret and rage. Emotions that are meant to be brief touchstones and directives of action, not boulders to be buried under. Depression may also rob us of our ability to properly weigh the other parts of our lives or the worthwhile and caring people in our lives. We may dedicate far too many emotional resources at war with ourselves, with our child, with our exes, or with anyone else who feeds this all consuming and destructive flame and deny ourselves the support and emotional nourishment that can create our healing. Should I Meet with My Child's Therapist?
In general, this is a risky affair. When push comes to shove, your estranged child's therapist is their therapist and can only represent your needs and your perspectives so much. All forms of family therapy carry some risk that one or more of the family members will, in some way, feel blamed by the therapist, misunderstood by them, or that the therapist is allied against them with the other family member. In addition, while all therapists are trained to be objective, if they've been hearing how terrible you are for the past 5 years from your EC, then it's possible that some of that communication poisoned their well, no matter how objective or sensitive they imagine themselves to be. In other words, your EC's therapist doesn't necessarily have your back in the same way that he or she has your child's back in a family therapy environment and-if push comes to shove-will probably ally with your child over you. Unless you have some strong reason to believe that the therapist will have a kindly, even-handed and unbiased approach to you in the family therapy, you're better off finding a therapist who is new to everyone. That said, if the only way that your child will consider a reconciliation with you is for you to meet with his or therapist thnn you should probably do it. I Why Are So Many Adult Children Labeling Their Parents? Part of what's desirable about a diagnosis is that it allows the estranged child to legitimize their need to feel separate, not feel as influenced by the parent, ally with the troubled DIL or SIL, or feel more immune to the parent's need of them. The downside of growing up feeling extremely close to your parents is that you may be far less immune to the normal slings and arrows that come when you transition into adulthood. You may have to powerfully claim your right to independence in part, because you've been so dependent. You may have to be a jerk, in part because you've been so nice all of your life. You may have to align yourself with a more difficult spouse (or other parent) because you admire his or her ability to not be so sensitive to the feelings of others since that's something you have a hard time knowing how to do. Many of the parents in my practice bring in letters from adult children who only a year before wrote them at Mother's or Father's day, or their birthdays or some other occasion to say how much they loved them and how grateful they were to have them as parents. Adult children who were clearly close to their parents growing up and now, due to a marriage, children, the influence of your ex, or a need to feel separate are now eager to label their parents as toxic, borderline or narcissistic. Deciding to end a relationship with a parent can have a lot of power to it from the perspective of the adult child. Woven into the symbols of our American ideals of autonomy and independence, cutting off a parent can be one of the few rites of passages of entering adulthood in a culture starved for ritual such as ours. It may be especially meaningful now that other markers of adulthood such as career, marriage and children are attained at a much later date. How do I know I've reached adulthood? I can survive independently of my parents. Is Your Estranged Child Depressed? Depression, whether due to a bipolar diagnosis, or major depressive illness can cause adult children to view the parent in a very dismal light. They may be pulled to blame the parent for the state of their lives and for the extent of their unhappiness. Similarly, depressed adult children may not have the psychological energy to process the relationship or empathize with the parent's perspective. They may also respond to the parent in an angry or aggressive manner-not so much because of the parent having done something particularly wrong-but because their own internal state is so burdened and grim. How should a parent respond? Overall, someone with depression is less able to process the complex terrain of parent-adult child conflict because they lack the energy required to think clearly and process difficult and complex emotions. Therefore, you're better off not pushing too hard on your adult child for clarity or resolution. Instead:
LETTER FROM AN ANGRY FATHER (This letter appeared in the Guardian UK. I thought it was worth reprinting in full here since I found it refreshingly honest). I was a teenager when I began working 42 years ago, and I've stuck it through tough times. You kids are out of school now: life should be sweet. It isn't. It's crap. I am depressed and exhausted. I expect to be "managed out" of my job soon. To my wife: you've worked for years, but you have almost zero savings. I pay the bills, and I pay when we go out. You could buy that new kitchen you want if you were to exercise a modicum of fiscal responsibility. To our two kids still at home: why don't you help around the house without being asked? Why must I return to a pigsty after a 12-hour shift? To our drug-addict kid: we supply and maintain your car, do your washing, feed you. We feed your dog. The one I asked you not to get. The one you said would be no trouble, because you'd take him to work. The work you quit. Get your life in order. Start by blaming yourself for your decisions to use marijuana at 14 and meth at 17. Get therapy for your self-inflicted psychological issues. Admit it's not normal to have four showers a day. You are a qualified tradesman. Stay off the drugs, get a job. To our kid who just left school: you only had one job to do - study and pass your exams. Now you have signed up to train in a low-paid profession with long working hours. I believe you did this because you see it as the easiest path, so you can pretend you are doing something with your life. If you really do have a passion for cooking, maybe you could do some here at home. To our oldest kid: last week I repaired your car myself to save you money. Gearboxes are heavy; it was tough. This week you bought another car. What happened to building a financial buffer in case your contract isn't renewed? If you can't make your house payments, I can't help you. When I gifted you the deposit for your home, I told you it was all I was able to give. I meant it. To you all: I feel the weight of the years. When he passed away, my father was less than five years older than I am now. I will soon be unable to work. Then I will stop paying your bills, fixing your cars and cleaning up after you. "My Daughter-in-Law is a Psychologist. Should I Be Worried?"
QUESTION: Our son left us 3 years ago; he decided not to pursue his own doctoral work, for which he had been awarded a fully funded fellowship. He moved out of state, so that his girlfriend could begin her doctoral degree in psychology. They have refused all contact with us. I continue to write to both of them, but have never received a response. I have always felt that my daughter-in-law played a significant role both in initiating and perpetuating the estrangement. You said that many therapists work on building up their clients' self esteem, with little emphasis placed on the estrangement. They avoid making the client feel any responsibility for the pain and confusion the estrangement has caused others. My question is: "What if your DIL is a Ph.D. candidate in Psychology?" Though you would hope she would use her new knowledge and insights for the "good", is she even better able to manipulate my son into her way of thinking with her newfound body of knowledge? This may sound cynical, but I have feared that her education in psych. would give her the tools to further maintain this painful distance. ANSWER: Yes, sadly, knowing more about psychology can help create a more airtight defense of estrangement. I am especially concerned that today's ideals of parenting are used to judge parents of earlier generations who had far less education about parenting, or far different standards for what constituted good parenting. In that case, a little bit of knowledge, especially knowledge without the social context, can be a dangerous thing. In addition, a motivated son-in-law or daughter-in-law can use the authority of their degree to cite studies, etc which can be used to manipulate the adult child into a greater estrangement. DO I EVEN WANT TO KEEP TRYING TO RECONCILE??
One of the things that parents have to decide is whether they have it in them to keep trying or whether it's better for their mental health to throw in the towel. Sometimes-and this is important-what might be better for our adult child isn't better for us; and at this point in your lives, you get to decide. And that may well mean deciding not to continue to work on it. I think this may be particularly confusing terrain for mothers who are socialized to put themselves last and to always keep trying. If you're on the fence, let me start by saying maybe you shouldn't try. Here is the case against trying: * Maybe it costs you too much psychologically. * Maybe trying means having to remain open to someone who just dumps raw sewage on you every time you encounter him or her. * Maybe trying means that your self-esteem gets constantly put up on the auction block for the lowest bidder which happens to be the one person whose opinion you care the most about-your child. * Maybe it's too hard to keep trying because the rejection from your child reminds you too much of how rejected you felt by your own parents or other important people in your past. And you just don't have that much to give because so much of your energy goes every day to trying to feel like you have a right to be alive or have any kind of a life, even before the trauma of estrangement was visited upon you. Parenting at a Distance
One of the many ways that estrangement can be so hurtful and disorienting is the way that it can deprive us of our powerful urge to parent. While this is especially painful when we know that our children are struggling with physical, psychological or financial issues, it's also hard even if they're doing well. And yet, for many adult children, it's the very act of the parent being able to tolerate the adult child's distance that is a form of parenting. Since some measure of autonomy, separation, individuation and a feeling of authority is at the heart of most estrangements, parents who can refrain from criticizing, guilt tripping or acting too wounded by the estrangment are giving their children something that they either need, or believe that they need. It's not parenting in the way that any of us would want or choose, but it's still a form of parenting: parenting at a distance. On the other hand, sometimes it's hard to know when that distance is temporary or more permanent How Perfectionism Makes Estrangement Feel Worse
Perfectionism is a recipe for depression. This is because perfectionism tells you to constantly raise the bar on yourself and say you not only could've done it better--you should've done it better. Perfectionism is a difficult style for even non-estranged parents because it causes people to chronically feel like they should be doing more for their children, and to blame themselves if their children aren't doing well. For estranged parents, perfectionism can be agonizing because part of what is required to heal from an estrangement is the ability to: a) Look at our mistakes b) Take responsibility for those mistakes both to ourselves and our children c) Be able to distinguish between what we might be responsible for,what we're not, and that very large area in between d) Forgive yourself and move to a position of self-love and self-compassion This may be difficult for the perfectionist, because their inner voice says: You should've done better You should've tried harder You're not doing enough now You don't deserve to feel good about yourself or forgive yourself because you're only as good as your achievements I'm Treated Like A Criminal in Regards to My Grandkids! Many parents have told me that their adult child won't let them spend time with them because they're worried that they're going to make the grandchild feel bad about themselves in some way, or they're going to abuse or neglect the child. If your adult child is in contact with you and has taken that position then your best strategy is to: 1. Ask a lot of questions.What do you worry that I'll do? Why are you worried about that? What is the evidence for that? When was the last time that I did that? How did you feel when I did? Did my grandchild complain about that? What did you conclude about me as a result? 2. Note that the purpose of these questions is not to debate your adult child. It's to get them to give more information so you can get a deeper understanding of what's going on. 3. Ask what they'd like from you. How would you like me to be with my grandchildren? What would a good visit look like? 4. Overall, your children get to say what the rules are in terms of the grandparenting. You might not like it, but, unfortunately you don't actually get a lot of say about that. Why Are Amends Letters Helpful? There are few relationships where thereʼs an absolute right and wrong way to apologize. In most of your other relationships, itʼs typically enough to have good intentions, offer an explanation for why you did something that was hurtful, and to say youʼre sorry. However, as you may already know, there are many pitfalls in making amends to an adult child. Among other things, you may be accused of being insincere, your apology may get thrown back in your face, or you may be told that youʼre not taking enough responsibility. Many parents also get caught up with the idea that they donʼt believe that they have anything to apologize for, or any amends to make. This perception reflects a misunderstanding of what adult children need when they want their parents to make amends. They also get caught up in the rightness or wrongness of their childʼs accusations without trying to understand the underlying emotion that is being expressed. So Iʼd like to offer some guidance and clarification on this topic: WHY ARE LETTERS OF AMENDS OFTEN HELPFUL IN RECONCILIATION? 1) It shows that you care. "Of course I care. They know I care! Havenʼt I shown in it in about a million ways?" Yes, you have. But, that isnʼt the current game in town. The current game in town is the one where your adult child claims that you have wronged them in some way. When that is at play, all of your good efforts are pushed into the background. Not necessarily permanently, but permanently enough so that you canʼt just reach over and remind your child of them and have that be enough. 2) Amends take courage: Have you ever heard the saying,"It takes a strong person to say theyʼre sorry." Our children respect us more if we can fearlessly take responsibility for whatever ways our choices or behavior were hurtful to them 3) It contributes to clarifying what weʼre responsible for and what weʼre not. Ironically, the longer and the louder that we protest that we were perfect as parents, the harder they will have to raise their voices to prove weʼre wrong. Thatʼs why parents are often surprised by how distorted the childʼs memories are. Children may have to exaggerate them to feel like theyʼre getting on our radar. "You were ALWAYS GONE." "You were ALWAYS SO SELF-CENTERED!" The healthy response is to simply acknowledge that when you were gone it was a problem and whatever ways you were focused on yourself was problematic to your child. Youʼre not ever required to say, ʻI was a miserable selfish lout (unless of course, you actually were). Most of the time, they donʼt require that. 4) Separate realities: itʼs helpful to children to eventually see that we understand the separate realities nature of family life. That parents can miss things that their children needed or wanted and be strong enough to simply accept that and not act like they shouldʼve been perfect. 5) It will help you in your self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Part of forgiving ourselves for whatever mistakes we made comes from feeling that we have done everything possible to repair the effect of our mistakes. If we believe that we've wronged our children, then we may believe that weʼre supposed to suffer for the rest of our lives. Knowing that we have done everything possible to reach out to our children and have tried to make amends for whatever mistakes we have made is one of the most powerful way to heal, not only our relationships with out children, but ourselves. Real parenting is a minefield of mistakes. No one gets out without making tons of them. Iʼm a psychologist and made so many you could write a book about them. Wait, I already did! When Not to Send an Amends Letter
I often talk about the value of sending amends letters. But sometimes you shouldn't do it. Here are a few of those cases: 1) Your adult child has made it very clear that their need for distance isn't in reaction to anything you've done wrong. While this may seem baffling, it speaks to the reality that some adult children need to distance themselves from parents because the parents were so loving and available. Did the parent do anything wrong in that? Does this mean that they should've been more distant or withholding? Not at all. It just means that the adult child doesn't know how to be close to the parent and not lose themselves in their feelings of dependency or enmeshment 2) You shouldn't send a letter unless you're able to stand behind it. While there are many ways to write an amends letter by finding the kernel of truth, it may not help to write a letter that you don't believe to be true in any way and if challenged, you'll just say that you did it out of desperation. 3) You shouldn't write one if you already have written one and a brief follow-up and nothing has happened. While it may work to keep trying to reach out with chatty texts, etc., parents shouldn't feel obligated to keep making amends past the point of the inital one or 2. My Adult Child is Lying to Other Family Members
Q. How do you get over your anger as a parent when your child has deliberately lied to another family member and the lie caused an estrangement with that family member? This same child has lied to other people about the family's history. A. If your child's lying caused other family members to estrange themselves then you have a right to be angry. I assume that the lying child isn't also estranged. If they're not, then I would move a lot of weight toward getting them to correct the problem and let them know that this is going to be an issue between you and them until they fix it. On the other hand, other than being very psychologically troubled, they may be doing this because they have some very serious amount of anger at you and they don't know a healthier way of dealing with it. If that's the case, you're better off trying to figure out what they're mad at you about and addressing that so that they'll be more motivated to heal it with the others. However, if they're currently estranged, it shows that they're desperate to create a narrative that defends their decision to cut off contact with you, and they know that the real reasons don't justify the decision. Either way, it can be useful to calmly explain to other family members what you think is going on, without asking them to take sides. The Long Slog of Working Toward Reconciliation One of the hardest part of going through an estrangement is dealing with the uncertainty. Some of the most common questions are: 1) How long is this going to take to resolve? 2) Will it ever resolve? 3) Are my emails, letters or not reaching out having a positive effect? Negative effect? No effect? 4) Does my child even miss me? 5) Do they have any idea how much I'm suffering? 6) Do they want me to suffer? 7) I've said I was sorry and am willing to do family therapy. What else do they want?? In general, uncertainty is a recipe for anxiety and hoping for a reconciliation is a very uncertain place to be. Given that, here are some thoughts: It's highly unlikely your child actually wants you to suffer. As cruel as they can be, either by their words or neglect, their desire is typically not to inflict pain but rather, to communicate something powerfully, either to you or themselves. Some adult children aren't ready for a reconciliation because:
So, it may take quite a long time. Don't white knuckle it. Focus on your friends, interests, and health. Stay off of social media, get outside, and remind yourself that you're a good person who deserves love and appreciation. Daughter Wants Us to Go Through Her Husband! Q. In 2 yrs time this has been our contact with ED: one birthday card each, one free Hallmark e-card each for Mother and Father's Day, one phone call with my number disguised and ED picked up so I caught her off guard (otherwise she would not have picked up) and one e-mail from SIL saying he was representing ED and if we need to contact her it will be through him... Is the best approach to just not try any more......play the waiting game? ED has proved she can wait forever. BTW all Holidays, including Super Bowl is spent @ the in-laws, who live 2hrs. away...we live on opposite coasts Answer: * If you can stomach it, do the contact through the son-in-law. Write something breezy and upbeat. "Hi Dave and Sarah" (or whatever their names are). "Hope you both are well. Just checking in. We've been doing x or y. Would love to hear from you both." * I might also say something through him to your daughter like "It's clear that we haven't done a good job of making you feel either cared about or respected in the way that you need. We're happy to go through Dave but we're also happy to do family therapy or whatever else it takes for you to feel like you can have a relationship with us THAT FEELS GOOD TO YOU. (Notice I didn't say anything about the ED's misunderstanding all of the parents' good intentions. Why not? Cause it doesn't work). * I think there's enough contact there to keep trying if you have the stomach for it. Estrangement as Conflict Avoidance
One of the reasons that some children estrange themselves is that they're conflict avoidant. They don't know how to handle the normal, expectable slings and arrows of family life and so they shut down, withdraw, build up resentment until they don't know any other path than to cut themselves off from the parent. Overall, this kind of child needs the parent to be a little more thoughtful about what issues might create conflict or to ask about situations where there was an unexpected reaction. This is especially true if your child has a subtle or overt form of mental illness. On the subtle side, an anxiety or depression-prone child may avoid seeing you or talking about their complaints because of the large amount of anxiety that is evoked from any conflict. For those children, it's useful for the parent to either defer to the child's desire not to talk about conflicts (assuming the child is even talking to you), or to support their need to complain about you as a healthy act. Of course, if your child is perfectly comfortable complaining about you, then it may be time to set limits When Will the Torment End?
Question: Our 39-year old son hasn't talked to my husband or me for over a year, we haven't seen our only 3-year old grandchild for two years. We are now at the point where we think it is better for us to put this relationship in our rear view mirror - even though we think about it every day and each of us often wake up at night thinking about it. So clearly we are both still tormented by it. My question: Will we ever be free of the torment? We were good parents - my son went to every camp known to man, the best private high school and Ivy League university - all paid for totally by us. We had dinner together every night when he was a kid and coached teams-- no divorce, no abuse, no alcohol abuse. How does one get to really put this in the rear view mirror? For my husband and me, it is a daily struggle. (My other son, who hasn't spoken to his brother in five years, can't understand "why he is so angry.") ANSWER: It is harder sometimes to accept the estrangement of a child who one has done so much for. Clearly you ha ve given him every advantage and made many personal sacrifices in order to do so. Because it's only been a year, I wouldn't assume that this is necessarily a permanent condition. I would make sure that you've done your letters of amends or, if you can't think of anything obvious that he may be upset by, let him know that he must have some good reason for it. I would encourage you to keep reaching out, in other words. At least for now every 6 weeks or so. Regarding the torment, most parents find that it does get easier over time. Losing a child to estrangement for some, is worse than losing them to death because death of a child, however awful, doesn't feel like such an ongoing rejection. The most important aspects of healing the self-torment are working through your feelings of self-accusation or guilt, getting enough support, working on your self-compassion, letting yourself continue to try to lead a happy and fulfilling life, and learn the art of compartmentalization. WHY STOPPING IS SOMETIMES BETTER FOR RECONCILIATION THAN TRYING
For some adult children, stopping may actually move the relationship more quickly to reconciliation than continuing to try. Why would this be the case? * It may allow them to miss you more. The old saying how can I miss you if you never leave is also true in families (sometimes). If we're showing how available we are even if they're not responding, they don't have to face the ways that they miss us when we're not there * It may encourage more self-reflection. If the parent continues to reach out no matter how badly they're being treated, the child isn't forced to do the same kind of self-reflection that they might if the parental contact suddenly dries up. It's like if you're in an argument with someone; if you stop arguing and they keep yelling, at some point they have to look at themselves more clearly than if you keep it going. * The child may respect you more for it. Our continuing to reach out despite their rejecting us can make us look like we're doormats. I know I'm confusing a lot of you right now because I talk a lot about the importance of making amends and continuing to reach out. And I do think that you do have to do that in the early stages of an estrangement and that more parents than not back off too soon or write letters of amends that send very mixed messages. But assuming you've done all of that and you're still getting nothing, stopping may be a good next step. * It may also work to let go because they may feel like you're respecting their wishes more. That you're accepting their request. This is especially true for those of you have had kids who say it's temporary, or they need more time and boundaries * Finally, if we only let them say what kind of parent we were, we sacrifice our own claim to all of our good memories together. Of all the ways that we may have sacrificed and provided for them. Are Grandparents Important? Not having a relationship with a grandchild can be a source of enormous torment for most grandparents. This is because our relations with our grandchildren are based often on a relationship of innocence, shared need, and vulnerability. In most cases, the grandchild/grandparent relationship is a casualty of the parent-adult child battleground, not a choice of the grandchild. In other cases, the grandchild can join the parents in their criticism of the grandparent, creating an even more treacherous minefield for them to walk through. This is unfortunate because studies show that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not only good for the well-being of the grandparent, it's good for children's development. This isn't terribly surprising. Grandparents serve a number of important roles: They: * Provide the grandchild with another opinion about who theyare. That is, if the parents of the grandchild are critical or rejecting or simply too overwhelmed to give positive input to the grandchild, the grandparent can give them a different experience of themselves in relation to others * Grandparents can keep an eye on problematic or dysfunctional family behavior, and in some cases, intervene on behalf of the grandchild. Obviously, I qualify it by saying in some cases because many parents are disinterested in the grandparents' input. But, the grandparent, nonetheless, can serve as a corrective to the dysfunctional aspects of the parents. * Grandparents may have a greater investment in perpetuating the family lineage and therefore serve as a rich resource of identity, history, and stories of family members. * Finally, grandparents can provide a different role model of behavior for the child to identify with. Parental Alienation: How It's Related to Cult-like Behavior
One of the traits of highly manipulative people is the ability to both consciously and unconsciously know what people need in order to feel good. If they're with someone who has insecurities about their intelligence, they'll make them feel like they're highly intelligent and can be even smarter; if they're insecure about their potential for success, they'll make them feel like their potential for success is limitless. If they feel unattractive, they'll make them feel like they're highly attractive but can feel even more attractive. In other words, they speak both to the pain of the inadequacy but also promise, subtly or overtly to make all that pain go away by joining together with them. On the other hand, in the same way that the cult leader can seduce the other by playing on their insecurities and their aspirations, they can manipulate them by playing on those same insecurities. Parental Alienation as cult Parental alienation, where one parent positions the child against the other parent has many qualities similar to cult behavior such as: * The use of guilt to enforce compliance * Establishing a role of being unique or irreplaceable in the eyes of the child * Using the threat of the withdrawal of love * Implanting false memories through subtle or overt manipulation * Making the child feel special |
Estrangement, Shame and Isolation Almost every day I get a call or email from a relieved parent saying, "I thought I was the only one dealing with this problem." This is because very few parents want to talk about the fact that they no longer have any contact with their children or grandchildren because they correctly or incorrectly fear that the other person will think or say something to the effect of, "Well, you must have done something pretty bad to cause your own child to turn away from you. I mean, kids don't just turn away from their parents for no reason at all." But, because most parents don't tell other people about their situation, they are robbed of the social support that is important to healing from any ongoing psychological challenge. And like most problems, issues that are left in the dark tend to grow stronger there because it reinforces our feeling that the reality is too shameful and painful for us or for anyone else to face. I have had many parents tell me that the simple act of knowing that there are a lot of other parents out there suffering in this way is healing to them because it makes them feel less flawed and alone. SOCIETAL ISOLATION But for many parents, their fear of social censure causes them to retreat, not only from activities where they might have to talk about their children or grandchildren but from their lives in general. "What's the point of living if I don't have my child or grandchildren in it? How can I go on?" And so they begin a downward spiral of pulling away from the people and activities that could restore a sense of identity and meaning, and it gets harder and harder for them to get back to themselves. It gets harder and harder because they have nothing and no one to reflect back to them their worth and value as a person and parent. Here are some recommendations:
Why You Should Often Ignore Your Child's Opinion of You As A Parent I think one of the hardest tasks of being an estranged parent is countering your child's opinions of how you were or are as a parent. This is probably counter-intuitive for most of us, since it seems like our children should get the ultimate vote on our job performance. And yet, there are so many things that go into a child's perception of the parent, that giving them that much power over your well-being, identity, and self-esteem is, well, kind of a dumb thing to do. Here are a few reasons why your child's perceptions might be wrong: 1) Their own temperament colors how they view you and others. New research shows that a child's temperament, which is largely a function of inheritance, can greatly color how they see the world. Children who are at risk for Borderline Personality Disorder, for example, may be more likely to wrongly perceive aggression in other's faces. Oppositional or defiant children, of any age, may be wired to be critical of the parent as a way to establish a position of independence or authority. Alcoholic or addicted teens or adult children may view the parent through the blaming lens of their disease. 2) Parental Alienation Syndrome: After a divorce, it is fairly easy for a parent to brainwash a child against the other parent. This may cause the child to see the other parent in a harsh and unsympathetic light. Left unchallenged, this perception may persist for years. 3) Separate realities: Because a child may wish that a parent made different decisions, does not mean that their perception of the parent's motivations or resources at the time they were raising their children is correct. 4) Era when the child was raised: There is some evidence that the era in which a child is raised is in many ways, more predictive of outcome than the parent's behavior. For example, many of today's children under 40 were raised with expectations of parental sophistication and involvement that was rare or non-existent in generations before them. These expectations can create resentment and feelings of disappointment in the parent for behaviors that most cultures and eras would consider perfectly normal and expectable. 5) Influence of a DIL, SIL or other motivated family member: Your child's spouse or some other person may be powerfully motivated and successful in persuading your child to have a negative opinion of you. This may not only distort their view of you in the present, but may cause them to rewrite their childhood. In summary, you can't leave such an important job as your opinion of yourself as a parent up to your child to determine. You have to decide what kind of a parent you were (and are) and then do everything in your power to hang onto that feeling. This does not mean that you should argue with your child by citing any of the above points, or that you shouldn't make amends. Only, that you have to be able to hold onto your memories and good feelings about your parenting. What if I think I did something that's bothering them but they never admit it? One of the reasons that some children estrange themselves is that they're conflict avoidant. They don't know how to handle the normal, expectable slings and arrows of family life and so shut down, withdraw, build up resentment until they don't know any other path than to cut themselves off from the parent. Overall, this kind of child needs the parent to be a little more thoughtful about what issues might create conflict or to ask about situations where there was an unexpected reaction. Let's say you spent time with your child and your grandchildren and you noticed that when you were playing with your grandson your adult child looked resentful. While it might be hard to say in the moment, you might say something the next day like, "You looked kind of annoyed with me yesterday when I was playing with Jacob. Am I right about that?" If your child is conflict avoidant they'll probably lie and say no. If you're pretty certain of your observation you could make it easier on them by saying something like, "Are you sure? I'm wondering if there was something in that interaction that bothered you that speaks to other things you'd like me to work on. I really want you to feel like you can be open with me about your complaints. Maybe I haven't done a good job of showing that to you in the past." Note that here I use the phrase, "other things that you'd like me to work on." I do that because you're affirming that theirs is a reasonable request, and you're also affirming that you're someone who is open to working on himself or herself. "Why Won't They Talk About the Estrangement After Reconciliation?"
A not insignificant number of adult children explain their estrangements to themselves and to their parents in ways that are different from the actual reasons for the estrangement. This is often the case when the child's memories are radically at odds with the parent's memories, or when the child takes relatively benign mistakes on the part of the parent and treats them as evidence of some form of abuse or neglect. A child may fail to understand the reason for the estrangement because they need to feel separate from a parent to whom they've been close and weren't aware of that powerful need to separate or not feel dependent. They may also have a harder time understanding their decision to estrange themselves if they tried separating from the parent in a more benign fashion such as less time or more limits, and the parent acted too rejected or angry. In that case, they may have had to escalate the intensity of their memories as a way to justify it to themselves and to the parent. A child may also be embarrassed about how unduly influenced they were to their spouse or to your ex and prefer not to talk about it. COMMON MISTAKE # 2 Trying to Motivate Through Guilt In many other cultures parents still have a right to make demands of their adult children: "You haven't called me. What's the story?" "I need you to come help me with some things around the house," etc. The adult child may not love it, but the family contract is such that they're less likely to feel that the request encroaches on their sense of self or well-being. While this was once true in our culture, it's no longer is, and therefore that card has been taken out of your hands. Our society and culture are more and more individualistic which means people are encouraged to define themselves on the basis of whether or not relationships make them feel good, or good about themselves; and whether or not those relationships are contributing to their self-esteem and personal development. There's a very strong sense today that if a relationship, including a relationship with a parent, doesn't make you feel good about yourself or makes you feel guilty or bad, then completely cutting that parent out of your life is a reasonable, even courageous decision. Given that dynamic, guilt is your enemy. The more you make your child feel guilty, the more you're going to shut them down and drive them away. Of course, you have a right to make them feel guilty if you want to. But if reconciliation is your goal, it will backfire every time. MISTAKE # 3
Returning Fire with Fire Many parents of estranged children are furious with their adult children and understandably so: They feel devalued, misunderstood, taken advantage of, kicked to the curb, shamed and humiliated; like their child has taken the most innocent and vulnerable part of them and rubbed their noses in it. They feel blamed for things that they either never did or said, or if they did, that should fairly be balanced out by all the loving, dedicated things that the parent did over the many years of parenting. And many adult children are quite abusive. They're abusive in their blame, coldness and lack of empathy. This can create enormous pain in the parent. However, if reconciliation is your goal, you're never going to get anywhere if you return fire with fire. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior or rubber stamp it, but if you return fire with fire you're not really advancing anything or creating potential for a better relationship. You're also stirring yourself up. It's much better to work on soothing yourself and responding in ways that you're going to feel better about. Why Mistakes with Estrangement Are Unavoidable
Parental estrangement can evoke ongoing and intense feelings of rejection, fear, guilt and anger. It brings out the most primitive, primal feelings in us to realize that the child we have raised and invested so much time, love and energy into is acting like we've ruined their lives and they may well never want to see us again. Once an estrangement gets started, it's almost impossible for a parent to avoid doing or saying something that won't make the estrangement worse. It's like quicksand-the harder you fight to get out, the more stuck you get. This is for several reasons: Few parents have encountered anything like an estrangement in their lives, and thus, have little prior experience to guide them The rules that govern behavior in the mind of the parent are typically quite different from the rules that govern the child for her or his generation Most people who would provide guidance to the parent, therapists included, often give advice that worsens the estrangement rather than improves it Parents often respond in ways that, rightly or wrongly, make the adult child feel criticized or guilt-tripped and this has the effect of turning them away, rather than bringing them closer When I say mistakes, I want to let people know that these are really inevitable mistakes once an estrangement starts to get triggered. However, they're important to think about for your ability to work toward a reconciliation with your adult child and to develop your own feelings of serenity and resolution and restore your own self-esteem, whether or not a reconciliation is possible. Your Son-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law is the Gatekeeper to Your Child
It is not unusual for an otherwise close relationship between a parent and adult child to be completely destroyed by the adult child's spouse. As we'll discuss this Tuesday, there are many reasons for that. But the most important thing for you to understand is that there is typically no way around the gatekeeper, your SIL/DIL, it's only through them. Therefore, if you're going to reach out to your adult child, you should also reach out to their spouse. If you're going to send presents to one, send them to the other. Do NOT assume that complaining to your adult child about his or her spouse will be kept between you. In all likelihood, it won't and you'll pay a high price for it. If there are things that you know have offended or hurt your DIL/SIL make amends in the same way that you would your own child. Not because you're so crazy about them- but because they may be the one person that's standing between you and your adult child or grandchildren. Is Grandparent Alienation Child Abuse?
Small children often form attachments to their grandparents that are as significant, and in some cases, more significant than those they form with their own parents. What is the fate of those children once they become a casualty of parental alienation? My clinical experience has shown that grandparents who were objectively a loving and important part of their grandchildren's lives-are often suddenly denied contact because of a conflict between the parent and the adult child or the spouse of the adult child. Currently in the US there are few ways to successfully remediate this situation once it occurs. This is because parents in the US, with relatively few exceptions, have complete authority over determining whether or not a grandchild can have contact with a grandparent. Children-from this perspective-are viewed as a kind of property over which the rights of the individual parent are ascendant over the rights of the grandparent. While most people would be sympathetic to a parent's decision to restrict or deny contact with an abusive grandparent, my clinical experience shows that most grandparents are denied contact, not because of their abusive behavior, but because of a recent or longstanding conflict between the parent and adult child or the adult child's spouse. However unfortunate and painful are those conflicts, the decision to end an attachment to an otherwise loving and involved grandparent is something that should be considered in a far broader context than the rights of the parent. What about the rights of the grandchild to an unobstructed relationship with a loving grandparent? Why does a parent's authority, no matter how poorly managed, get prioritized over the authority and dedication of the grandparent? If parental neglect can and should be considered a form of child abuse, certainly a parent's decision to end a loving and attached relationship between a grandchild and grandparent should also be considered a form of abuse. What is the evidence that reconciliation is still possible? There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to reconciliation, however, the following are some good signs: You occasionally, even once yearly, get birthday cards, thank you notes, emails, etc. You have any contact whatsoever face-to-face You have a relationship with the DIL, SIL or grandkids Your child has told you it isn't permanent but they need some time and space even if that has been going on for several years. Also, if the estrangements are off and on or you have been through an estrangement in the past and your child came out of it. Now while these show that there's some opening, that doesn't mean that you're obligated to keep trying or that you should like what you're being given. Most parents who are even getting those crumbs feel understandably upset and hurt because the relationship is so at odds with what the relationship once was, or what the parent thought it would be at this point in the child's or the parent's life. In addition, not receiving these signs doesn't mean that all is lost. But these examples show that there is maybe something there to work on: Some little coal to potentially fan into a flame, slowly over a long period of time. It shows that they have you on their radar, however dissatisfying and unfulfilling that experience is for you. So, in those scenarios, if the parent has it in them, I recommend that they: Keep it positive Continue to reach out, if possible Make amends, if appropriate Avoid guilt trips Why Stopping Sometimes Works Better Than Continuing to Try Whether to keep trying to reach out to an estranged adult child or stopping those efforts is one of the most common decisions that estranged parents have to deal with. While there are often arguments to be made on both sides, I sometimes recommend that parents stop trying for the following reasons: * The child may respect you more for it. Our continuing to reach out despite their rejecting us can make us look like we're doormats. I know I'm confusing a lot of you right now because I talk a lot about the importance of making amends and continuing to reach out. And I do think that you do have to do that in the early stages of an estrangement and that overall, I see more parents than not backing off too soon or writing letters of amends that send very mixed messages. That's why I talk a lot about the right and wrong way to make amends. And I don't recommend letting go until you've done that for a while, as I'll discuss in an upcoming webinar on the topic * It may also work to let go because they may feel like you're respecting their wishes more. This is especially true for those of you have had kids who say it's temporary, or they need more time and boundaries * It may allow them to miss you more. The old saying how can I miss you if you never leave is also true in families sometimes. If we're showing how available we are even if they're not responding, they don't have to face the ways that they miss us when we're not there * It may encourage more self-reflection. If the parent continues to reach out no matter how badly they're being treated, the child isn't forced to do the same kind of self-reflection that they might if the parental contact suddenly dries up. Your Estranged Child's Troubled Spouse Question: "Dear Dr. Coleman. I heard in a recent Q and A that you think it's a good idea to send the troubled daughter-in-law a letter of amends. Since she's the cause of my not seeing my son and grandkids, Why-oh-why would I ever want to do that? Aren't I just empowering her??" Answer: While every situation is different, I typically recommend at least one letter of amends to a troubled, controlling or difficult daughter-in-law or son-in-law. This is useful not only because you're acknowledging their power in the family system, but they may also appreciate your reaching out. However, one of the most important reasons is that it may be the only way to strengthen the spine of your son. It frees him up to say to her, "I can tell by that letter that my mother is really trying. I think we should give her a chance." In the absence of a letter or effort at amends, it's easier for her to position you as being hurtful, unapologetic, and not deserving of acceptance into their lives. Unfortunately, a spouse with mental illness can cause enormous imbalance in family. Therefore knowing how to reach out in the right way becomes more critical than ever. Is Your Estranged Child Depressed? Depression, whether due to a bipolar diagnosis, or major depressive illness can cause adult children to view the parent in a very dismal light. They may be pulled to blame the parent for the state of their lives and for the extent of their unhappiness. Similarly, depressed adult children may not have the psychological energy to process the relationship or empathize with the parent's perspective. They may also respond to the parent in an angry or aggressive manner-not so much because of the parent having done something particularly wrong-but because their own internal state is so burdened and grim. How should a parent respond? Overall, someone with depression is less able to process the complex terrain of parent-adult child conflict because they lack the energy required to think clearly and process difficult and complex emotions. Therefore, you're better off not pushing too hard on your adult child for clarity or resolution. Instead:
LETTER FOR CRITIQUE Dear xxxx(estranged daughter ), I wanted to write to you again, just to you; to say how sorry I am for all that has transpired between us in the last 2 yrs. It has been a difficult time for us and you too. (CHANGE TO to say how sorry I am for the ways that my choices and decisions have been hurtful to you. DELETE It has been a difficult time for us and you too). The changing of our wills must have made you feel resentful and angry/sad, but under the circumstances we felt it was necessary since we had lost all communication with you. It was not an easy thing to do and something undertaken with great sorrow. (CHANGE TO: Iʼm sure it was extremely upsetting that we had taken you out of our will. We could change our will back and would in a second, but would need you in our life in order to do that and to feel like weʼre all working together to have a better relationship). Forgiveness is a difficult thing for everyone but something we all have to be willing to do so that we can move forward. (DELETE- not specific enough) You are forgiven and I hope you will do the same for us. That's what parents do, who dearly love their children. (CHANGE TO: Obviously there are hurt feelings on this side but nothing that couldnʼt be worked through. A close relationship with you is the most important thing). I know you must feel the same way since the birth of your beautiful baby girl. DELETE CAUSE SOUNDS LIKE YOUʼRE TRYING TO PERSUADE HER You are our only child and we will always be your only mother and father. When you were born, you made our life more complete just as your new baby makes your life more complete. ( I WOULD OPEN THE LETTER WITH THIS BECAUSE ITʼS LOVING AND TENDER) I hope that, very soon, we can all start communicating as a family again. Love Mom & Dad How to Ask Your Friends for Support
One of the great problems of estrangement is the social isolation that it can engender. This is because most estranged parents carry ongoing and burdensome feelings of shame and fear, sometimes rightly, that they'll endure some kind of censure if they tell others about their situation. This is tragic because one of the things that we know from research is that social support is critical to a happy or resilient life. However, getting the right kind of support is often a challenge from those who've never experienced it. So I generated a sample letter that you could send to a friend or friends who you'd like to reach out to for support, or reach out to for more support. Dear Friends, As you may nor may not know, I've been in a bit of a crisis regarding the estrangement from my child. I appreciate the support that you've wanted to give me. It means a lot. Some of you have asked me what would be the most helpful kind of support, and in general, the most helpful thing you can do is ask me how I'm doing, remind me that I am and was a good parent, that this isn't my fault, and that you don't blame me. While I know that any advice comes from a really good place, it isn't nearly as helpful as doing the other things that I'm mentioning here. I'm not saying this as a criticism or complaint, more as a way to help me to get the help that I need right now. I don't always talk about it (or I haven't talked about it) because I haven't wanted to burden you with this, especially because there's no clear or immediate solution, and because of my own pain and embarassment about it all. Love, Managing the Pain of Estrangement
Understanding how to manage the pain of estrangement is one of the greatest challenges that most parents will ever face. And that's because estrangement strikes us at our most tender and primitive places. For most, being a good parent is very central to our identities and feelings of self-esteem. Being told, either directly or indirectly that you're not a good parent by our own children attacks the foundation of how we think of ourselves, and as a result, creates profound feelings of fear, sadness, worry, rage, guilt, and regret. Each one of these emotional reactions brings its own suite of problems that taken together, make healing a far more difficult enterprise. Let's begin by separating out and labeling all of the ways that parents can be affected by estrangement. Cognitive-behavioral therapists have found that often, simply labeling and understanding the details of our emotional reactions is one of the most important steps in beginning to gain some distance from those reactions. To summarize, the most common reactions are: PERSONAL SHAME: I must be a terrible person/terrible parent for my own child to have turned against me SOCIETAL SHAME: Others must think I'm terrible that my own child would turn against me SOCIAL ISOLATION: (related to Social Shame) I don't want to go to parties/holiday gatherings and have people ask me about my children or see them happily with theirs GRIEF AND LOSS: How can I survive the pain of not seeing my child? FEAR: How can I survive the pain if this never resolves? GUILT AND RUMINATION; I can't stop thinking of all of the ways that I may have created this problem or what I should be doing to fix it. I also can't stop thinking about how hurt and mistreated I feel by my child. RAGE: How can my own child do this to me? Who do they think they are? VESTIGES OF THE PAST: How can I tolerate the pain of my own child rejecting me when my own parents didn't love me? Doesn't this prove I'm unlovable? How Siblings Sometimes Worsen Parental Estrangement
In some homes, siblings form bonds that are far closer to each other than those that they would have with either parent. And in homes where one or both of the parents have issues, siblings sometimes form a united front against the parent, either behind the scenes or in front of them. This may also occur where one or more of the siblings have psychological problems and the parents are the healthier of the family members. Other siblings have reasonable relationships with each other formed through shared experiences and common bonds, even if they wouldn't consider their sibling their closest friend or ally. And in still other families, long-standing sibling rivalry or other problematic issues provide fodder to justify the need for the estrangement or the lumping together of the siblings with the parent. In many homes, the more troubled sibling, sometimes the one who becomes estranged, creates disharmony in the family because of how much parental time, emotion, and often money gets allocated to trying to get him or her on the right track. However, a common problem is that the estranged sibling may attempt to negatively influence the non-estranged siblings in the direction of also becoming estranged. He or she may tell the other siblings that they were also abused or neglected and refuse to have contact with them also unless they agree with his or her version of the past. ---------------------------------------------------------- How Should I Talk About the Estranged Child to the Family?
It's important to model and show compassion for the estranged child to the other children and family members because: * If the non-estranged child is in contact with the estranged child, they may talk about how you're discussing the estrangement * You're providing a good model of how to think deeply about other people's motivations that are less centered around anger or feeling wronged * It will be easier to reintegrate the estranged child into the family once they're ready to reconcile if they feel like the family was compassionate about their need to estrange themselves rather than critical or judgmental. ---------------------------------------------------------- What if the estranged child tries to convince their siblings that they were abused when they weren't?
It is not infrequent that an estranged child may develop false memories in order to justify or explain their estrangement. This seems to occur after an involvement with a therapist, a troubled husband or wife, or some kind of cult leader, as we'll discuss in a few weeks. It is common in these scenarios for the estranged child to say to the other siblings, "I was abused and I'm remembering it. You were too, you just repressed it like I did. It's too harmful for me to be around anyone who doesn't believe me so, if you can't believe me, or won't admit to the ways that you were also abused by Mom and/or Dad then I'll have to cut you off too." Occasionally a non-estranged child may ask you, "Was I abused? Why is he saying he was when he wasn't? Is there any truth to those claims? What do I do in response to his saying he can't be close to me if I don't believe him when I don't believe him but don't want to lose him?" Let's look at these questions a little more closely: In response to the question of whether or not your child was abused, you should always answer it honestly. If you spanked your child or grew up in an era where parents were more likely to use other forms of corporal punishment you might say, "I didn't consider it abuse back then but maybe he did. He was spanked and I guess he's saying that that was abusive. It was common in my era and I'm not defending it but it's nothing that I would call abuse. I have apologized to him for it and don't feel good about it. But, if you're asking me if there was more than that, was he sexually abused, tied up, etc. like he claims, absolutely not. I'm not psychologically capable of doing that to any kid, especially my own." Similarly, if the memory has absolutely no basis then you would calmly reassure your non-estranged child that it never happened. You might say, "I'm not sure why he's saying that this happened when I'm 100% sure it never did. Sometimes people have false memories as a way to talk about other ways that they felt hurt or misunderstood. So maybe your brother is letting us know that he has complaints about us and this is his way of opening that discussion." SHOULD I RESPECT MY SON'S "NO CONTACT" REQUEST?"
QUESTION: "A year ago we were discussing wedding plans with our son and future daughter-in-law when they said they were going out of the country to get married and would not be inviting anyone. I said, 'We respect your decision, but if any of her family is invited then we would expect to be included also.'" "After they left my son called me crying hysterically and told me to never contact him again. I've mentioned to him that I was following his request until he told me differently. Am I responding correctly by not contacting him?" ANSWER. Since this came out of the blue and you were in contact up to that point, I wouldn't respect that request, initially. I would pursue it. It sounds like his objection was that you had the gall to say that if they're going to invite her parents, then you would want to be invited too. I can see why you would say that. I could imagine myself saying that. It seems like a reasonable thing to say. My guess is that they probably were inviting her parents and A) she took it out on him in some kind of way or B) he has a lot of fragility around his autonomy, so the fact that you're making any demands around "his" wedding makes you persona non grata. I would try to reach out to him and would make it clear that you weren't trying to be controlling or pushy, but you guess it came across that way. Make it clear that you love him and want to be close to him. Say, "This is something that could be worked out." Don't say "should be worked" because that's a demand and will backfire. In general, in the early period of an estrangement, you don't want to take it at face value unless the kid just gets inflamed when you try to reach out. A lot of parents feel they're damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they pursue the kid, they may get accused of stalking them. If they don't, then they get accused of neglecting them. I know how this sounds to the adult because I work with a lot of them in my practice: If the parent isn't chasing them, they'll say, "They don't really care." If they are pursuing them, then the parent gets accused of either being not sincere or of not giving them their space. Since estrangement in the early part is the lodging of a complaint, I don't think you want to accept a kid saying, "Don't ever contact me again," until it's really clear what it's about and what they're up to. I don't think we really know yet what they're up to. "Daughter Blames Us but Not Our Fault!"
Question: Our daughter we have been there for her whole life thru lies, dropping out of college, apartment evictions, job loss, etc. Nothing was ever her fault/responsibility. After we found out or we gave her money and tried to talk with her and be logical about her future/way of living she wouldn't take our calls. We were always the ones to try and communicate, it was always us to pursue her until finally she would talk to us and have a relationship. While going thru a divorce she meet someone and moved in with him. As soon as he came in the picture we became nothing to her and could do no right. She knew we did not approve of this rapid new relationship. Once she moved out we called once a week for 6 weeks and got a no to seeing her and or our grandson, which she tells everyone we never called among many other lies. When a close relative confronted her on that lie, among others because she was with us a few times when we called she said we pretended to call and now won't talk to that relative. This is my question: Our daughter has "diagnosed us"! with psychological disorders she names! on her blog! At first she was writing about her "horrible" upbringing which has been like a knife in our hearts as we really tried our best to raise her with love, morals, happiness, good schools, vacations, and family experiences together. How could she put on the Internet not only lies about her childhood but to label us with personality disorders???? Btw my husband and I have gone to a therapist and was told neither one of us have these disorders which I knew in my heart and have researched but was confirmed by a "qualified therapist". It is one thing to talk to people but on the Internet?? I just don't understand how everything we have done with and for her can come to this??? My husband has felt many times done but this was the last straw. ANSWER: There is no shortage of people willing to offer support of some variety on the internet. And since they don't know you, they are probably a better bet for getting her perspective validated than by going to someone who does know you. In general, when adult children diagnose their parents, they're trying to distance themselves by weakening the parent's authority. If you're a narcissistic personality disorder, then your needs of me are pathological, not normal. Since you've made it clear that you don't like her new partner, I would assume that this is the basis of her gripe against you and where you should address your efforts at reconciliation. Like it or not, he's who she has chosen and your ability to influence that decision when she's pulling away from you, is close to zero. She's also probably a little troubled and needs to blame you as a way of making herself feel less defective. "How Do I Say No to My Adult Child's Requests for Money?"
Sometimes you have to say no. But, how do you know when you should and when you shouldn't? In the current environment which says that parents should give, give, give no matter what they get back, it can be pretty darned confusing for parents to know when it's okay to say to give a good old-fashioned nyet. The following are provided as some guidelines: * Say no if you can't afford it. Can't afford it doesn't mean that you don't have that much in your checking or savings. Can't afford it means that it will take away money from savings that you need for other important parts of your life * Say no if the request is made in an overly demanding or entitled way. This doesn't mean that you wouldn't eventually say yes to the request; just that you would provide a little education in the process. For example, if your adult child rudely tells you that you need to give him money for his car, kids, house, etc. without a hint of affection or humility you should say something like, "Well, I have to say, when you ask like that it really doesn't make me want to. Which is a shame because I do like giving to you. But, it has to be a request not a demand. I don't do very well with demands. I'm sure you can understand. Wanna try again?" * Say no if you're going to feel too resentful even if you can afford it. If you have tried setting limits or tying the request to a visit and it hasn't worked, then you should say no for the simple reason that you really damned well don't feel like it. How to Say Yes or No to Money Requests
It's hard for us to say no to our kids. We want to give to them and we want to be liked by them and that can tie us up in knots and make us either say yes when we don't want to, or say no with a guilt trip. If you're going to say yes then try to do it with love and affection. If you say yes with a guilt trip, complaint or accusation you dilute the strength of the gift and you also aren't in as good of a position when you want to say no next time. This is because if you've already logged a number of experiences with your adult child with you as a reasonable, giving parent, then when you want to say no they have less to stand on if they want to complain or accuse you of being mean or withholding. The only exceptions to this are when you want to impart some kind of moral lesson as we'll discuss tonight. If you are going to do that, do it only sparingly, such as once or twice a year at most. If you're going to say no and you don't want to provide a moral lesson, then do it an affectionate, friendly way. How Do Our Childhoods Affect Our
Expectations about Family? The effects of our childhoods may be subtle in how they play out in our parenting: In the same way that today's couples have unrealistically high expectations of how much they're entitled to receive from their partners, many of today's parents expect a level of intimacy that is at odds with what our children can or should be reasonably expected to provide in return. An adult may not only hope to be the kind of parent he never had, he may also expect his relationship with his child to repair the many ways he felt let down by his own childhood. Our own histories may make us more fearful about the natural distance that can come as a child moves into adulthood, marries, or becomes a parent. If we were abandoned or made to somehow feel unlovable in our childhoods, it may cause us to feel far more scared when our children lash out, or want to see us far less than we want to see them. It may be much harder to hold onto a basic feeling of self-worth if they are distant, critical, or harsh. For example, if you had a domineering parent, you may be less able to marshal a productive response to a domineering son or daughter of any age. If you felt rejected and unloved by your parent, you may have a harder time staying centered when your children start lobbing grenades crafted by their temperament, their needs for separation, or their reactions to your imperfections. If your adult child cuts off contact, you may experience it as a powerful confirmation of all of the worst things that your parents said about you or did to you; things you have worked your whole life to prove untrue. If Your Own Parents Were Narcissistic? I know that a lot of today's estranged parents get accused of being narcissistic. I don't assume that as many are as are being accused; but, if it rings true then you're better off copping to it and making amends than trying to whitewash it. On the other hand, just because an adult child says it's true doesn't make it true. However, if your own parents were narcissistic, this may have impacted you in important ways for the following reasons: Children can be damaged by excessively entitled or self-centered parents because the parents' needs for mirroring, praise, and empathy get prioritized over the child's. Self-centered parents may greatly attend to the child when the child enlarges the parent, and ignore him or her when the child is involved in ways that leave the parent out. They might act jealous or threatened by a child's beauty or talent. Children who grow up in this environment often develop the belief that it's dangerous to attend too much to their own needs, if those needs are at variance with the people they love. If you were raised by this kind of parent you may feel like it's your job to make your children feel good about themselves, no matter what the cost. You might have felt more burdened by parenting because you constantly accused yourself of not doing enough. You might feel guilty focusing on your own needs, and ignoring those of others. This may make it harder to compartmentalize your child's accusations or feelings about you. You may have felt unimportant in your parenting or other relationships. You may feel guilty about valuing your needs because you were raised to prioritize the needs of others. You may carry a feeling of emptiness because you were never given a sense that your own feelings and ideas matter. You also may have chosen a partner who is overly self-involved because you unconsciously comply with the belief that others needs are more important than yours. "My Sister Tells Lies About Me to My Estranged Child!" QUESTION In light of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, I am wondering if I should talk to my sister. She began slandering me (to family, etc.) when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, my son in question. She began slandering me directly to my daughter about 10 years ago over Facebook. My children are all born of different fathers, and I was not married to any of them. I am not the person that anyone would typically think I would be in that regard. I am a woman of integrity; I have never cheated on anyone in my life. My story is best summed up as "Truth is Stranger Than Fiction." The real question is: How in the world do you even "try" to begin to be close with someone with so many lies being said about you? I don't know where to start. ANSWER: It is, in fact, very hard to be close to anyone who has both told lies about you and tried to hurt you through the people you love the most, your children. If you haven't already done so, I would be very direct with your sister. Tell her how betrayed and hurt you feel. Ask her what her motivation was in telling lies about you. Tell her that it's impossible for you to trust her or feel like you want to be close to her if you believe that she's trying to hurt you by lying to your children. You should also talk to those closest to you to find out specifically what she's telling people so that you know what is being said. Should I Handle An Estranged Older Child's Abuse Differently? Dear Dr. Coleman, My 42 year old daughter, single mother, has been verbally abusive along with screaming and yelling to me for the past few years. I have always forgiven her and justified that it was from stress in her life or hormones. Last Feb. I politely told her how much it hurt me when a situation occurred and that I was upset with myself for giving in to her behavior and ultimatums. She became upset with me and since that time we have not seen each other (first Christmas alone) or have I been able to see my 13 year old granddaughter. She does have some email contact with me but limited. She was and is seeing a therapist to deal with it since it also created issues with her in her dating relationships. I felt that since she was seeing a therapist for anger issues I should not have let it gone unnoticed. We have always been very close but she had a difficult time relating to her father who is now passed away. I am proud of her that she is seeking help. Her younger sister, has been estranged from her and I off and on for the past 5 years. Through these seminars I am learning to deal with that estrangement and have finally accepted that I am a good mother and good person even if I finally stop trying. I have told her in every letter how much I am sorry for my mistakes and how much I love her and will always be open to talk things over. She does not want contact and has not replied to my amend letters or any emails. She does accept gifts for my grandchildren at birthdays and Christmas. I can not in my heart stop remembering them. I would like to know if you deal with 40 year olds differently than those in their 20 - 30's. A. It sounds like your reaction and limit was reasonable, but as is often the case, probably made her feel guilty to hear that she had hurt you or learned that you felt like you were giving in to her ultimatums. In general, withdrawal is a common response. The question is should you do anything differently at this point, and I would say no, given that you've written a letter of amends, and as you report it, your limit was reasonable and not something you should have to undo. Since there's email contact I would stop talking about the relationship and try to reconnect by being chatty in the emails. B. Regarding the age, here I don't think it's as important. As a very general rule of thumb, the younger the child, the more the parent should reach out because developmentally they're typically going through more change and upheaval and their reasons may decrease for wanting an estrangement. You want to keep the door open and positive so that when they change they'll want to turn toward you. "I'm So Jealous of the Other Grandparents!"
Dear Dr. Coleman, My husband and I are being treated like we're second-class citizens in regards to our lovely grandchildren. While that would be painful enough, we have to see on Facebook all the photos of our grandchildren going on vacation with her parents, having them watch the kids while my son and his wife are out of town, and playing with them at their house- it's really too much and I can't take it. Whenever I complain to my son about it he just gets angry or defensive or is in a hurry to get off of the phone. I also worry that it's going to affect our relationships with our grandchildren over time if we don't get to spend the kind of time with them that they deserve. I already am starting to feel like they're getting more distant and don't know us. Is there anything I or we can do? Signed, Loving Grandmother Dear Loving Grandmother, It's painful enough to be denied time with your grandchildren, let alone have to witness how much time is being allotted to the other grandparents. Studies show that daughters more commonly migrate their husbands into their families and so it's not so uncommon for the parents of the son to feel displaced or unimportant. It won't help to complain to your son, and, definitely won't help to complain to your daughter-in-law since, in all likelihood, she may like the current arrangement just fine. That said, you should try the following:
My Children Ignore My Health Issues! QUESTION I have had an issue with my adult child and his spouse. They refuse to read anything about medical problems and they disregard that I have had some pretty serious issues myself that I have had to deal with in my own health. They act like there is nothing wrong with me. I have been ill for the last 16 years due to chronicfatigue/fibromyalgia. I was exposed to heavy amount of metals from a job I did and then had a seriously frozen shoulder months of torturous therapy and tried to return to work only to be re- injured. They act like nothing is wrong with me. My son's wife only believes in drugs and doesn't want to even try anything natural. My son had a severe case of pancreatitis about 2 years ago. I did some juicing with ginger, apples and carrots and got him off the couch in 3 days. You would think seeing is believing that natural things sometimes work better than drugs! My daughter in law is ruining her own health with aspertame in the pop she drinks but won't stop drinking it! She looks toxic and I'm sure she is toxic. She also gets severe migraines which are probably related to her bad habits. They have a adhd child who they have had on drugs for years. I could just scream because they refuse to see anything but drugs! ANSWER. So, the 2 issues here are A. your child and DIL's ignoring your health problems and B. they're ignoring your advice regarding alternative methods of health or diet. A lot of adult children have a very low tolerance for their parent's complaints, medical or otherwise. While that can look like they're self-centered or uncaring, I believe that it's a defense against worrying about us or feeling overly responsible for us. Our children have relatively little immunity to our suffering, physical or emotional. In the same way that we're hard-wired into their physical and emotional states, they're also hard-wired into ours. It's just that they're likely to feel burdened by that experience because it's at odds with their desire to be focused on their own lives. So, I would recommend nottalking with them about your physical states or doing it only rarely. Regarding your observations of their health, diet, or use of alternative treatment, I say let it go. You won't win this battle and you gain nothing by waging it other than a headache. FEEL BETTER NOW
Going through an estrangement is a roller coaster of intense emotions: sadness, loss, anger, guilt, regret, on and on and on. Being able to maintain one's psychological balance requires having tools to engage those emotions in ways that allow you to move through them rather than to be ruled by them. Here is a useful sequence when you feel triggered by a strong emotion: 1) Identify the emotion or emotions 2) Label the emotion 3) Rank its intensity on a scale of 1-10 (1-mild//10 intense) 4) Turn toward the feeling rather than avoiding it. That is, allow yourself to feel it rather than push it away 5) Identify your beliefs about the feeling: "I'll always feel this way," "This is intolerable" "This feeling will ruin my life if it never changes." 6) Accept and tolerate the feeling: "It is what it is." "Yes, there may be nothing more that I can do to change this." 7) Examine the cognitive errors such as blaming yourself, blaming others, catastrophizing, all-or-none thinking 8) Change your mental state by compartmentalizing, exercising, calling a friend, meditating or doing yoga. These steps require practice, often on a daily basis and some days on an hourly basis. But, you will feel better if you practice these steps, especially over time. "What if I think I did something that's bothering them
but they never admit it?" One of the reasons that some children estrange themselves is that they're conflict avoidant. They don't know how to handle the normal, expectable slings and arrows of family life and so they shut down, withdraw, build up resentment until they don't know any other path than to cut themselves off from the parent. Overall, this kind of child needs the parent to be a little more thoughtful about what issues might create conflict or to ask about situations where there was an unexpected reaction. Let's say you spent time with your child and your grandchildren and you noticed that when you were playing with your grandson your adult child looked resentful. While it might be hard to say in the moment, you might say something the next day like, "You looked kind of annoyed with me yesterday when I was playing with Jacob. Am I right about that?" If your child is conflict avoidant they'll probably lie and say no. If you're pretty certain of your observation you could make it easier on them by saying something like, "Are you sure? I'm wondering if there was something in that interaction that bothered you that speaks to other things you'd like me to work on. I really want to feel like you can be open with me about your complaints. Maybe I haven't done a good job of showing that to you in the past." Note that here I use the phrase, "other things that you'd like me to work on." I do that because you're affirming that theirs is a reasonable request, and you're also affirming that you're someone who is open to working on himself or herself, a critical quality in today's parent-adult child relationships. Is My Adult Child's Behavior Abusive?
This is a point of concern and confusion for many parents for the following reasons: * Parents who have made mistakes with their children may be confused about how much of their children's anger they deserve and how much they don't * Some parents have a hard time distinguishing abuse from appropriate anger * Knowing how to set limits without shutting down the conversation * Knowing how to allow expression of feelings without being walked on and encouraging contempt * Confusion based on a correct or incorrect perception that the nature of the anger/criticism is outside the parent- estranged child relationship such as when it's fueled by a DIL/SIL or other invested family member * Knowing how to manage the inevitable feelings of sadness, guilt, regret, or rage that are evoked after a conflict with an abusive or disrespectful adult child * Parents who have low self-esteem or confusion based on their own childhoods or earlier experiences may be confused about how much they're allowed to limit anyone's mistreatment of them Estranged From All 3 Children Q. If having one child estranged, having all three is a triple hit to self esteem. My grandson, whom I have only seen twice...6 weeks old, and six years ago for 45 minutes during an airport layover, just turned 10. My daughter-in-law emails photos regularly, this time birthday photos. I know it is a positive thing, but it always feels like a bitter pill, to see children that I don't know and they don't know me and probably never will. I am at a loss as to how to handle this. I don't want to tell her to stop sending them, since she's the only one who's barely in contact, but don't know how to stop the hurt. Any suggestions will be much appreciated. A. I'm very sorry that you have the estrangement with all 3 of your kids. There are many other parents who are also estranged from all of their kids and I know that that can make it especially painful and hard to fight the feelings of hurt, shame, and self-blame, however irrational they may be. I assume that you've tried being very direct with her. Something like, "It was so great to get the pictures. You're always so thoughtful about that and I appreciate it so much. I've been wondering if there's any possibility of my visiting with them at any point in the near future, even briefly?" Then perhaps provide some reason why you'll be in the area and could hang out with them for a few hours. It's always best to make the suggested amount of time brief so they feel in control. Make sure to compliment her on her parenting, etc. If you believe that your DIL is the cause of the estrangement it may be useful to write her an amends letter even if you didn't do anything obviously wrong. Also if all of your children are estranged, it's best to write an amends letter to all 3 at the same time, since they'll likely be comparing notes. Returning Fire with Fire Many parents of estranged children are furious with their adult children and understandably so: They feel devalued, misunderstood, taken advantage of, kicked to the curb, shamed and humiliated; like their child has taken the most innocent and vulnerable part of them and rubbed their noses in it. They feel blamed for things that they either never did or said, or if they did, that should fairly be balanced out by all the loving, dedicated things that the parent did over the many years of parenting. And many adult children are quite abusive. They're abusive in their blame, coldness and lack of empathy. This can create enormous pain in the parent. However, if reconciliation is your goal, you're never going to get anywhere if you return fire with fire. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior or rubber stamp it, but if you return fire with fire you're not really advancing anything or creating potential for a better relationship. In addition, if your ex, your son-in-law, daughter-in-law or some other motivated person is looking for a reason to point the finger at you, you're giving them a reason. You're also stirring yourself up. It's much better to work on soothing yourself and responding in ways that you're going to feel better about. "My Daughter's Fragile Sense of Self" QUESTION: How do you deal with an estranged daughter that may have a "fragile sense of self." She is also married to someone who has issues with his parents and has trouble tolerating any problems. She has been in and out of my life for the past 10 years. It started when she was dating her husband and then married. Up to that time we were a very close family. She comes back for a while and then something sets her off. I try to have her open up to me but she refuses to talk about it. The only contact she allows is a picture of my 7 year old twin grandchildren at Christmas and handmade thank you notes from them for their gifts which I treasure. When we are together I have a wonderful relationship with my grandchildren (miss them dearly) and get along with my daughter and husband even though I feel I am walking on eggshells. The estrangement has been 7 months so far but can last up to 2 years. ANSWER: There are several issues here:
Is Your Estranged Child Depressed?
Depression, whether due to a bipolar diagnosis, or major depressive illness can cause adult children to view the parent in a very dismal light. They may be pulled to blame the parent for the state of their lives and for the extent of their unhappiness. Similarly, depressed adult children may not have the psychological energy to process the relationship or empathize with the parent's perspective. They may also respond to the parent in an angry or aggressive manner-not so much because of the parent having done something particularly wrong-but because their own internal state is so burdened and grim. How should a parent respond? Overall, someone with depression is less able to process the complex terrain of parent-adult child conflict because they lack the energy required to think clearly and process difficult and complex emotions. Therefore, you're better off not pushing too hard on your adult child for clarity or resolution. Instead:
Why the Family of Your SIL or DIL Matters
The family history of the daughter or son-in- law is hugely important.
Why Is Estrangement So Hard on Marriage and
Romantic Relationships? Overall, any psychological trauma (and estrangement is indeed a psychological trauma) has the potential to negatively impact your marriage, or romantic relationship. Why would that be the case? Here are some common reasons:
What if the child wants contact with one parent and not the other? Parents often feel like they have to have a united front; like they're a package deal. But from my perspective, better one estranged parent than 2. In addition, you have much more power to influence your child into becoming close to the estranged parent again if you're close, than if you're distant. But, the parent who is in contact has to be careful to not join in to scapegoating the estranged parent. If one parent wants to stop trying and the other parent doesn't, overall I think the parent who doesn't want to stop should be prioritized because typically they're the parent who's in more pain. The only exception to that is if there are really good reasons to stop, such as when the child make it clear that they don't want any contact, and the parent can't stop themselves from continuing to call or email anyway. In that case, it's more destructive to any chances at reconciliation and the other parent's perspective should be prioritized. DO I EVEN WANT TO TRY?
One of the things that parents have to decide is whether they have it in them to keep trying or whether it's better for their mental health to throw in the towel. Sometimes, and this is important, what might be better for our adult child isn't better for us; and at this point of your lives, you get to decide. And that may well mean deciding not to continue to work on it. I think this may be particularly confusing terrain for mothers who are socialized to put themselves last and to always keep trying. So, if you're on the fence, let me start by saying maybe you shouldn't try. Here is the case against trying: * Maybe it costs you too much psychologically. * Maybe trying means having to remain open to someone who just dumps raw sewage on you every time you encounter him or her. * Maybe trying means that your self-esteem gets constantly put up on the auction block for the lowest bidder which happens to be the one person whose opinion you care the most about-your child. * Maybe it's too hard to keep trying because the rejection from your child reminds you too much of how rejected you felt by your own parents. And you just don't have that much to give because so much of your energy goes every day to trying to feel like you have a right to be alive or have any kind of a life, even before the trauma of estrangement was visited upon you. Perfectionism and Parental Estrangement
In general, perfectionism is a recipe for depression. This is because perfectionism tells you to constantly raise the bar on yourself and say you not only could've done it better--you should've done it better. Perfectionism is a difficult style for even non-estranged parents because it causes people to chronically feel like they should be doing more for their children, and to blame themselves if their children aren't doing well. For estranged parents, perfectionism can be agonizing because part of what is required to heal from an estrangement is the ability to: a) Look at our mistakes b) Take responsibility for those mistakes both to ourselves and our children c) Be able to distinguish between what we might be responsible for,what we're not, and that very large area in between d) Forgive yourself and move to a position of self-love and self-compassion This may be difficult for the perfectionist, because their inner voice says:
The Ongoing Pain of Estrangement
Understanding how to manage the pain of estrangement is one of the greatest challenges that most parents will ever face. And that's because estrangement strikes us at our most tender and primitive places. For most, being a good parent is very central to our identities and feelings of self-esteem. Being told, either directly or indirectly that you're not a good parent by our own children attacks the foundation of how we think of ourselves, and as a result, creates profound feelings of fear, sadness, worry, rage, guilt, and regret. Each one of these emotional reactions brings its own suite of problems that taken together, make healing a far more difficult enterprise. It's useful to begin by separating out and labeling all of the ways that parents can be affected by estrangement. Cognitive-behavioral therapists have found that often, simply labeling and understanding the details of our emotional reactions is one of the most important steps in beginning to gain some distance from those reactions. To summarize, the most common reactions are: PERSONAL SHAME: I must be a terrible person/terrible parent for my own child to have turned against me SOCIETAL SHAME: Others must think I'm terrible that my own child would turn against me SOCIAL ISOLATION: (related to Social Shame) I don't want to go to parties/holiday gatherings and have people ask me about my children or see them happily with theirs GRIEF AND LOSS: How can I survive the pain of not seeing my child? FEAR: How can I survive the pain if this never resolves? GUILT AND RUMINATION; I can't stop thinking of all of the ways that I may have created this problem or what I should be doing to fix it. I also can't stop thinking about how hurt and mistreated I feel by my child. RAGE: How can my own child do this to me? Who do they think they are? VESTIGES OF THE PAST: How can I tolerate the pain of my own child rejecting me when my own parents didn't love me? Doesn't this prove I'm unlovable? How Does Divorce Increase
Estrangement Risk? There are many ways that divorce can increase the probability of estrangement: * It can create loyalty conflicts within the child even if the parents manage it well * It can create a perception that there were winners and losers in the divorce * It creates the opportunity for one parent to attempt to poison the relationship with the other parent * It causes the child to see the parents less as a parental unit of which they are a part and more as individuals with their relative strengths and weaknesses * It introduces people into the child's life that can a) Intensify the feelings of disloyalty to the other parent b) That the child doesn't like c) That the child feels threatened by in terms of sharing emotional and financial resources * It can create the opportunity for unholy alliances with extended family such as when former in- laws turn the children against the parent or even when the parent of the estranged parent turns the child against that parent "Can My Relationship with
My Child Ever Be What I Hoped For?" QUESTION: "So, as we progress through this estrangement seminar I am beginning to ask myself what hurts more - the actual estrangement, or the realization that the relationship will never be the close wonderful one that I dreamt of when I held her as a baby? Estrangement or no estrangement, the relationship is broken. Though I try very hard to recognize and honor my daughter's good points, (she's witty, intelligent, clever, interesting etc.), I could never like someone whose personal style involves putting others down for her own aggrandizement, raging so she can feel powerful and twisting the truth so she can feel righteous. I must love her, or I wouldn't be writing this, looking at websites or buying into your seminars. However, even if we do all the "right" things and she becomes willing to visit with us, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for a total reconciliation or that I'll ever hang up the phone without feeling a deep sense of sadness and disappointment....Yet, I'm afraid to lose her. In short, I can't live with her and I can't live without her. Hence my question: "How do you love the child you don't like?" What do you do? What do you say? She KNOWS we don't like her. She's said it (in a rage), and we've denied it - but she was right. Do we admit it? Do we fake it forever? And how do we handle the pain? How do we keep from being hurt every time she lashes out? A. I think it's an important question, and one that more than a few other estranged parents have wondered about. There are several issues here that are worth highlighting: While we all wish that we'd love all of our children equally, the reality is that many parents don't love all of their children equally and that has to be okay. Some children are more lovable, engaging, rewarding, easy, and most of all from the perspective of estrangement, forgiving. So my first wish would be to help you to let yourself off of the hook for not liking a kid as much who isn't likeable. Since she knows that you feel critical about her behavior I wouldn't try to whitewash it when it comes up. If she asks about it or criticizes you for it, I would be very direct, but in a kindly way. "Honey, this is a part of you that I have a really hard time with. You're welcome to disagree with me, you don't have to share my values, but you can't be mad at me if I don't like your values. That doesn't mean that I don't love you or want to be close to you, but this behavior is something I have a really hard time with. I'm sure there are lots of things about me you have a really hard time with too." What Are My Estranged Grandchildren Thinking?
One of the most common questions I get from grandparents is a) how do I know what my estranged child is telling my grandchild about me and b) how do I protect myself from those lies? In general, if you're completely estranged from your adult child, you have relatively little say over what your child tells your grandchildren about you. While some EC's lie about the grandparents, or blame the grandparent, some are healthy enough to preserve the possibility of a later relationship with the grandparent and therefore are more neutral in what they tell the grandchildren. So, in many ways, the model that I recommend to parents is based on the model used with Parental Alienation Syndrome, and that is to continue reaching out to your grandchildren. If you've listened to my other seminars you know that the only exception I make to that is if a) you've been served with restraining orders or threatened to have the police called on you if you try to maintain contact or b) have the grandchildren's gifts sent back unopened. You continue to reach out because sometimes, in particular if there are other memories of you, your grandchild may well be able to maintain a view of you separate from that of the one offered by their parents. Some adult children cut off their parents because they're too troubled to be able to be close to them and if that's the case, that difficulty managing intimate relationships may well be reflected in how they parent their own children. Therefore, your grandchildren may reach out to you later in life because they need someone trustworthy to be close to, confide in, or provide them an alternative view of themselves than the one provided by their parents. The more you've stayed in their lives, even if only with gifts or cards, the more chances you have of staying alive in their minds. When We Have to Say Yes to Holiday Invitations
Sometimes we have to say yes, whether it's because it will create too many questions if we don't, or because there are people at the event that we want to see despite the risk of feeling bad. And even if we say no, there is still the possibility of running into people that we can't avoid. If you do decide to go to an event, the following are provided as recommendations: Write out a script for yourself before a holiday or any other event where you are likely to be triggered by people's comments or actions. The script should:
"Why Is My Son So Rigid??" "Dear Dr. Coleman, The most striking characteristic of our estranged 28-year-old son is that he has never been able to acknowledge any other perspective than his own, and has kept the same very rigid view about me and his father for many years. This is despite a lot of therapy. I would have thought his position would have changed from adolescence to adulthood. He has always done well at work but always struggled with close relations. I don't understand." ANSWER: The ability to think about other people in a nuanced way is a psychological achievement. It requires several capacities:
Accepting that their version of the past may be wrong is extremely anxiety provoking for someone with this psychology. They often struggle or fail in intimate relationships because black and white thinking interferes with the kind of mutual construction of reality that intimacy requires, whether in relations to family members, friends, or romantic partners. THE 5 MOST COMMON BELIEFS THAT INTERFERE WITH MAKING AMENDS
Many parents, no matter how educated or skilled, have problems writing a letter of amends that causes their adult child to open the door. Here are some of the most following mistakes parents make when thinking about writing a letter: 1) I didnʼt do anything wrong. I think that the reason that so many parents get stuck here is because they get confused between the belief that they didnʼt do anything wrong and the belief that they didnʼt do anything wrong enough to deserve an estrangement. So, to make it easier on yourself, say that you didnʼt do anything wrong enough to deserve an estrangement. 2) It makes me feel too bad about myself to think about my mistakes. Most estranged parents struggle against intense feelings of self-regret, guilt, and even self-loathing. Thinking about their mistakes, real or imagined, right or wrong, can trigger those feelings. Therefore writing the amends letter can feel like an exercise in self-torture. However, as I noted above, it will help you with your self-compassion in the long run 3) I worry it will be used against me Many parents worry that if they admit to their mistakes that theyʼll be beaten over the head with them by their adult child. While itʼs easy to understand that concern, I have very rarely seen it happen. Most of the time children respect that their parents are willing to take responsibility. 4) I worry that it will reinforce or enable their immaturity If a child is estranged they have drawn a very strong line in the sand. Theyʼre demonstrating that they need something different from you than your version of the past. Making amends may actually force them to grow up faster 5) I worry it will reinforce the ways that my ex has poisoned them against me It actually is a powerful way to show your strength and love and may be the best proof that your ex is wrong about you. Why Do Estranged Parents So Often Blame Themselves?
It is probably impossible to be an estranged parent and not blame yourself. In many ways, self-blame is part of our basic wiring. It's a way to make ourselves feel in control over our lives. If only we do it better next time, it won't happen to us again. And for most parents, the idea that we have not only caused our children to suffer, but are in any way directly responsible for their not wanting us in their lives is such a painful thought that it evokes depression, anxiety, rage, even suicide. And the problem with this wiring is that it doesn't really provide much guidance for knowing what we're the cause of and what we're not. Because our children's well-being and our desire to be close to them are such powerful entities, it often shuts out the part of our brain that we need the most in order to work our way out of the feelings evoked by the estrangement. Our emotions are the touchstone of who we are. However, we are governed by forces that are often out of our awareness. "SINCE I'VE BEEN ESTRANGED I FEEL LIKE I'M ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
IS THAT NORMAL?" It's common that parents who are going through an estrangement have days where they feel more resolved and accepting of the estrangement and those where they don't. A certain amount is dictated by how well you're sleeping, eating, exercising, getting support, or being impacted by other stressors. However, it's important to pay attention to what specifically triggers you. For example, some common triggers are:
Not All Adult Children Understand Their Estrangements
A not insignificant number of adult children explain their estrangements to themselves and to their parents in ways that are different from the actual reasons for the estrangement. This is often the case when the child's memories are radically at odds with the parent's memories, or when the child takes relatively benign mistakes on the part of the parent and treats them as evidence of some form of abuse or neglect. A child may fail to understand the reason for the estrangement because they need to feel separate from a parent whom they've been close to and weren't aware of that powerful need to separate or not feel dependent. They may also have a harder time understanding their decision to estrange themselves if they tried separating from the parent in a more benign fashion such as less time or more limits, and the parent acted too rejected or angry. In that case, they may have had to escalate the intensity of their memories as a way to justify it to themselves and to the parent. A child may also be embarrassed about how unduly influenced they were to their spouse or to your ex and prefer not to talk about it. WHY GETTING ANGRY OR DEFENSIVE DOESN'T WORK
Many parents of estranged children are furious with their adult children and understandably so: They feel devalued, misunderstood, taken advantage of, kicked to the curb, shamed and humiliated; like their child has taken the most innocent and vulnerable part of them and rubbed their noses in it. They feel blamed for things that they either never did or said, or if they did, that should fairly be balanced out by all the loving, dedicated things that the parent did over the many years of parenting. And many adult children are quite abusive. They're abusive in their blame, coldness and lack of empathy. All of this can create enormous pain in the parent. However, if reconciliation is your goal, you're never going to get anywhere if you return fire with fire. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior or rubber stamp it, but if you return fire with fire you're not really advancing anything or creating potential for a better relationship. In addition, if your ex, your son-in-law, daughter-in-law or some other motivated person is looking for a reason to point the finger at you, you're giving them a reason. You're also stirring yourself up. It's much better to work on soothing yourself and responding in ways that you're going to feel better about. My Kids Hate My New Wife!
My estrangement from my 2 daughters is a bit odd. I am widowed, and was close with my children until I tried to rebuild my life nearly 3 years after my wife of 30 years lost her 14-year battle with breast cancer. My children don't like the woman I eventually married a few years ago, and after years of insulting and hurtful behaviors (varying degrees by each daughter), I'm very resentful of them and my wife is burned out and no longer tries to engage them...I don't really blame her for that. There are also meddling former friends of my late wife and I and a former sister-in-law that have undermined my relationship with my kids to bolster their standing also. I frequently feel like the situation is one to walk away from so the hurt will be minimized. ANSWER: Children often feel a host of feelings when their parents remarry, whether because the parent is widowed or divorced. They often feel disloyal to the memory of the deceased parent or worry that they won't get as much time with you as before. They may also worry that the new wife will in some way rob them of their inheritance. I don't think you should walk away but I can certainly empathize with the desire to. What to do? * Tell them that they don't have to like or love your wife but they do have to be polite * Don't insist that they spend a lot more time with your wife than they want to but let them know that there are some occasions where you will want them to spend time with her and you together. In other words, be respectful of their desire to spend some time alone with you, but don't let them completely dictate it * Explore the roots of their complaints: her personality? Are they threatened, jealous? Try to be empathic and reassuring. "Can't Stop Being Angry at My Estranged Daughter!"
Q. I have extreme difficulty concerning anger, resentment, and forgiveness issues as applies to my three grandchildren. My estranged daughter not only has deprived me of seeing my grandchildren, but at the same time has deprived them of having any type of relationship with me. In addition, during the course of this 8 year estrangement, my mother passed away and because of the continuation of the cut-off, my mother never got to know or even meet her three great grand-children. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can train myself to think about this irreversible consequence in a way that frees me from the anger, resentment, and feelings of unforgiveness these events have created in my life? A. It's probably useful to begin by exploring what's underneath the anger? Sadness, guilt, longing, grief? Anger is there to let you know you've been wronged and should prepare for action, but if it goes on for a long time it may be because the more painful and more profound feelings that exist underneath haven't been as addressed as you may need them to be. Anger is a useful firewall against those other feelings, but it may be good to do some journaling on the other feelings; to move toward acceptance and more actively grieving the loss to you and your grandchildren if this has been a long-term estrangement with little obvious chance of reconciliation. It can also useful to accept that in the same way that parents do the best that they can when we're raising our children, estranged children are actually doing the best that they can in the estrangement. That best may be hurtful, manipulative, and rejecting, but if they were able to do it any better, they would. Sometimes the child is simply too troubled, too manipulated by their spouse, your ex, their genetics, their fear of their dependency on you that they know no other way but to be estranged. How should a parent respond to abusive behavior?
Knowing how to respond in the face of abuse and estrangement is incredibly challenging. The following are provided as the first 5 of 13 recommendations we'll be discussing in tonight's webinar: 1. Decide what you want to say before the interaction. 2. What are your goals? Are there particular points that you want to make sure you make? Write out the 2-3 most important things that you want to say. If you're particularly nervous,practice saying them out loud. 3. Have an exit plan. How will you get off the phone or away from the interaction if it starts to head south? 4. Consider prefacing the conversation with some ground rules if prior interactions have gone poorly. Say something like, "I know these conversations haven't gone very well when we've had them in the past, so let's both make a good effort to keep it calm and reasonable, okay? Maybe you should tell me what you'd like to get out of the conversation and I'll tell you what I'd like to get. How does that sound?"
The Feeling of Being Estranged
Maintaining your psychological balance while going through an estrangement can be very challenging. Whether it's coping with the feelings from the dream you just had last night, to seeing your child's or grandchild's picture in your kitchen, or hearing all of your friends endless tales about their fabulous, wonderful children, grandchildren and the pictures and videos they never tire of sending you while not seeing your attempts to fight back the tears, or mistaking your feigned show of enthusiasm as uncluttered interest. Which, of course, you manage, because you're a good friend, family member or co-worker, and, at least, most of the time, have the good sense to do the socially appropriate thing rather than run screaming out of the room which is your impulse. That, or go into your car or bathroom or walk so you can cry in peace and privacy and so you can return to the interaction like a sane person mumbling about your damned allergies causing your eyes to well up with tears all of the time at the most inopportune moments. Where's your Claritin when you need it? And so, you have the misjudgement to finally tell one of your friends, who sometimes-not always-has had good advice about other parts of your life because you are tired of dragging this 300 pound psychological burden around all of the time all by yourself and are left afterwards regretting the decision all over again because their advice made you feel, subtly, but not subtly enough, that this nightmare really is all of your fault. Maybe it was just a look, or the way that they averted their eyes when they said that you don't deserve it. And so you vow never to tell anyone about it again and lie through your teeth when your friends ask you about your child and decide to enroll in that acting class you've always wanted to take because you could sure use the skills these days. Is My Child in a Cult or Cult-like Relationship?
Focusing as much as I do on the topic of estrangement has made me far more interested in cults than I ever thought I'd be. From my clinical experience and from my reading, it has become clear that cults come in a number of shapes and sizes ranging from group membership with a powerful leader to a dyadic cult, where an estranged child is unduly influenced by a single person such as a spouse. Even a parent using Parental Alienation Syndrome can have many similarities to a cult leader. Signs that my child might be in a cult: * Sudden or dramatic change in personality or belief system * Rewriting childhood history as bad or abusive * Use of language that seems coached or out of character * Rejection of parents, siblings, and anyone close to them * Rejection of anything related to the past such as cherished childhood objects * Black and white thinking * Radical change in life plan * Secrecy * Dogmatic belief systems Why You Should Often Ignore Your Child's Opinion of You as A Parent I think one of the hardest tasks of being an estranged parent is countering your child's opinions of how you were or are as a parent. This is probably counter-intuitive for most of us, since it seems like our children should get the ultimate vote on our job performance. And yet, there are so many things that go into a child's perception of the parent, that giving them that much power over your well-being, identity, and self-esteem is kind of a dumb thing to do. Here are a few reasons why your child's perceptions might be wrong: 1) Their own temperament colors how they view you and others. New research shows that a child's temperament, which is largely a function of genetics, can greatly color how they see the world. Children who are at risk for Borderline Personality Disorder, for example, may be more likely to wrongly perceive aggression in other's faces. Oppositional or defiant children, of any age, may be wired to be critical of the parent as a way to establish a position of independence or authority. Alcoholic or addicted teens or adult children may view the parent through the blaming lens of their disease 2) Parental Alienation Syndrome: After a divorce, it is fairly easy for a parent to brainwash a child against the other parent. This may cause the child to see the other parent in a harsh and unsympathetic light. Left unchallenged, this perception may persist for years. 3) Separate realities: Because a child may wish that a parent made different decisions, does not mean that their perception of the parent's motivations or resources at the time they were raising their children is correct. 4) Era when the child was raised: There is some evidence that the era in which a child is raised is in many ways, more predictive of outcome than the parent's behavior. For example, many of today's children under 40 were raised with expectations of parental sophistication and involvement that was rare or non-existent in generations before them. These expectations can create resentment and feelings of disappointment in the parent for behaviors that most cultures and eras would consider perfectly normal and expectable. 5) Influence of a DIL, SIL or other motivated family member: Your child's spouse or some other person may be powerfully motivated and successful in persuading your child to have a negative opinion of you. This may not only distort their view of you in the present, but may cause them to rewrite their childhood. In summary, you can't leave such an important job as your opinion of yourself as a parent up to your child to determine. You have to decide what kind of a parent you were (and are) and then do everything in your power to hang onto that feeling. This does not mean that you should argue with your child by citing any of the above points. Only, that you have to be able to hold onto your memories and good feelings about your parenting. YOUR CHILD'S ANXIETY AND ESTRANGEMENT
I often observe in my marital therapy work how seemingly small stresses can sometimes de-stabilize an otherwise good marriage. The same can be said of today's parent-adult child relationships. An adult child doesn't have to have a full-blown anxiety disorder in order to feel overwhelmed or stressed about their relationship with the parent. Sometimes just being a moderately anxious person can make you far more reactive and burdened by a relationship with the parent. Or even going through a stressful time of life. I've observed this to be especially true in the mother-daughter relationship. As author Ruth Whippman wrote in a recent NYT's column : "At both its best and its worst, the mother-daughter relationship can at times be as close as two humans can get to telepathy. With two people who are both heavily socialized to anticipate and meet everyone else's emotional needs, the dynamic can become a kind of high-alert empathy, each constantly attempting to decode what the other might be thinking, hypersensitive to any change in pitch or tone, like a pair of high-strung racehorses." And as many mothers with estranged daughters know, this can also lead the relationship into very difficult waters. Son-in-law Or Daughter-in-law As Gatekeeper
It is not unusual for an otherwise close relationship between a parent and adult child to be completely destroyed by the adult child's spouse. But the most important thing for you to understand is that there is typically no way around the gatekeeper, your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, t's only through them. Therefore, if you're going to reach out to your adult child, you should also reach out to their spouse. If you're going to send presents to one, send them to the other. Do NOT assume that complaining to your adult child about his or her spouse will be kept between you. In all likelihood, it won't and you'll pay a high price for it. If there are things that you know have offended or hurt your DIL/SIL make amends in the same way that you would your own child. Not because you're so crazy about them-but because they may be the one person that's standing between you and your adult child or grandchildren. Son Wants to Reconcile But His Wife Won't Let Him!
Question: We are estranged with our only son mainly because of a difficult daughter-in-law (both are 30yrs old) She is not interested in a relationship with us. My son seems to have reconciled to the fact that it is too much trouble to stand up, although I know in his heart he wants us to be in his life and in the lives of our two young grandchildren. How can he be happy only with his nuclear family? But can he really be happy? He has lost touch with all his extended family including his grandparents. We are trying to stay detached and move on with our lives. Can you shed some light on what goes through his mind? ANSWER: I wouldn't assume that he is very happy if it's indeed a result of your DIL. If she's a troubled person who has made him cut off contact with you and everyone else, then he probably feels like he has to make a devil's bargain: either be close to her and have some version of peace, or insist on closeness with the rest of the family and be tortured by her all of the time. Reclaiming Your Self-esteem as a Parent
Part of healing from an estrangement is reclaiming our definition of ourselves as parents and of ourselves as people.
What is the Evidence that Reconciliation is Still Possible?
While this kind of examination is far from an exact science, the following are evidence that a reconciliation is still possible, or that things aren't so inflamed that there's no point of entry: * You occasionally, even once yearly, get birthday cards, thank you notes, emails, texts, etc. * You have any contact whatsoever face-to-face * You have a relationship with the daughter-in-law, son-in-law or grandkids * Your child has told you it isn't permanent but they need some time and space even if that has been going on for several years * The estrangements are off and on. Or you have been through an estrangement in the past and your child came out of it While these show that there's some opening, that doesn't mean that you're obligated to keep trying or that you should like what you're being given. Most parents who are even getting those crumbs feel understandably upset and hurt because the relationship is so at odds with what it once was, or what the parent thought it would be at this point in the child's or the parent's life. But it shows that there is maybe something there to work on--some little coal to potentially fan into a flame, slowly over a long period of time. It shows that they have you on their radar, however aggravating, dissatisfying and unfulfilling that experience is for you. The Importance of Grandparents
Studies show that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not only good for the well-being of the grandparent, it's good for children's development. This isn't terribly surprising because grandparents serve a number of important roles: They * Provide the grandchild with another opinion about who they are. That is, if the parents of the grandchild are critical or rejecting or simply too overwhelmed to give positive input to the grandchild, the grandparent can give them a different experience of themselves in relation to others * Grandparents can keep an eye on problematic or dysfunctional family behavior, and in some cases, intervene on behalf of the grandchild. Obviously, I qualify it by saying in some cases because many parents are disinterested in the grandparents' input. But, the grandparent, nonetheless, can serve as a corrective to the dysfunctional aspects of the parents. * Grandparents may have a greater investment in perpetuating the family lineage and therefore serve as a rich resource of identity, history, and stories of family members. * Finally, grandparents can provide a different role model of behavior for the child to identify with. My Disrespectful Granddaughter!
How do I deal with my 16 year old granddaughter and daughter who refuse to accept the work that I have done in growing and improving myself by attending your teleseminars, reading self-help books and working with a counselor (my sister-in-law) in the last seven months that we have been estranged? The estrangement came as a result of my daughter's verbal abuse which she said was because she could not deal with my unhappiness from the estrangement of my other daughter, her younger sister. I have acknowledged my mistakes, made my apologies and sent my amend letters. Things started to improve over the last couple months with phone calls, texts and even suggesting getting together for lunch for my birthday. She said she did not want to talk about the past and even reassured me that she holds nothing against me. I was thrilled with the contact. Although my daughter did not follow through with planned phone calls or lunch stating she was too stressed with too many demands, I continued to be understanding and let her move at her own pace. In planning on getting together with my granddaughter she (granddaughter) wrote a demeaning email blaming me for all the problems between us stating that I am "handicapped, damaged by my past and blind to reality" and that "therapists said I would never get it." She said I needed to see a therapist before she saw me. This was quite a blow. How can therapists make such a judgment without even seeing me? After forwarding to my daughter and not receiving any response, I questioned whether she was behind it, having her daughter tell me what she could not. After a week, I wrote back that I have dealt with my past and the problems have to do what is going on in the present. I stated that I would not subject myself to their verbal abuse and accusations and would be more than happy to go for family therapy and offered to pay for it. I gave them the name of a highly recommended, impartial therapist. I have not heard back from my daughter or granddaughter except "I wish you peace in your newfound thinking." ANSWER: Your letter brings out a lot of issues that are common to estranged parents. So let's take them one-by-one: The first has to do with the reason stated by your daughter for the current strain or estrangement. According to her, it's because she couldn't deal with your reactions to the estrangement of your other daughter. What this means, in all probability, is that your understandable suffering makes her feel sad, worried about you, and perhaps disloyal to her sister for being your confidante. I know that confiding in your adult child about her sibling doesn't seem like it falls into that category, but it does. I have worked with a number of estranged parents where one of the children died. While many if not most adult children would rally behind a parent who suffered that kind of loss, some children feel so burdened and weighed down by their parents' unhappiness and suffering that they have to distance themselves from them in order not to be pulled down too much by it. You also said that she didn't particularly want to talk about the past. That is also not unusual. One would think that something so powerful as an estrangement would require a lot of processing between the parent and adult child to get beyond it. Yet, many don't want that. I think this is in part because they don't completely understand why they needed to cut the parent off or because they're worried they'll feel bad about themselves if they hear the parents' complaints. It would be hard for any grandparent to be treated in such a disrespectful way by a granddaughter. But, the old days of respect thy elders is largely out the window. What that means is that adult children and grandchildren say things to their elders that most of us could never imagine having said. With your granddaughter, I would ask a lot of questions. I think the more you can have a sense of affection and detachment from it the better. What do you think I need to work on? Why? How do you think I'd be different if I did? How has my behavior been a problem for you? What would you like to see change?I would avoid getting into the fact that you've already worked on this in therapy. I think a good next step might be to call up and act like nothing has happened. Your grandchild may be embarrassed about her reaction and eager to put it behind her, and grateful for the opportunity to re-connect with you. Common Beliefs That Interfere with Amends Letters 1) I didnʼt do anything wrong. I think that the reason that so many parents get stuck here is because they get confused between the belief that they didnʼt do anything wrong and the belief that they didnʼt do anything wrong enough to deserve an estrangement. So, to make it easier on yourself, simply say, "I didn't do anything wrong enough to deserve an estrangement." 2) It makes me feel too bad about myself to think about my mistakes Most estranged parents struggle against intense feelings of self-regret, guilt, and even self-loathing. Thinking about their mistakes, real or imagined, right or wrong, can trigger those feelings. Therefore writing the amends letter can feel like an exercise in self-torture. However, as I noted above, it will help you with your self-compassion in the long run 3) I worry it will be used against me Many parents worry that if they admit to their mistakes that theyʼll be beaten over the head with them by their adult child. While itʼs easy to understand that concern, I have very rarely seen it happen. Most of the time children respect that their parents are willing to take responsibility. 4) I worry that it will reinforce or enable their immaturity If a child is estranged they have drawn a very strong line in the sand. Theyʼre demonstrating that they need something different from you than your version of the past. Making amends may actually force them to grow up faster Mantras to Feel Better
* Since my child is choosing not to spend time with me, it is healthy of me to think about how I want to spend my time * Putting my child out of my mind is useful for my happiness and serenity * I am still a good person and a good parent even if I don't think about my child * I am still a good person and a good parent even when I put my own happiness before other's * Putting myself first doesn't mean that I'm putting others last * There is a big difference between being self-interested (i.e. prioritizing my happiness and thinking about what makes me happy) and being selfish. * When I punish myself for the past, I perpetuate the myth that I deserve to suffer * I have suffered enough and as of today, I choose to feel good about myself as a parent and as a person (print this out and carry it around as a reminder) MANAGING THE EGGSHELL PHENOMENON
QUESTION: "My daughter and I are back in tentative contact, however, I feel like I'm guarding myself from hurt and protecting my daughter from my emotions. Is walking on eggshells what one expects in this early stage?" ANSWER Absolutely. All parents who are in the position of early reconciliation feel like they're walking on eggshells and frankly for good reason. The reality is that if you were estranged, the roots of that estrangement may well still exist and could get re-triggered. I don't say this to increase your anxiety-- more to validate that your anxiety serves to correctly warn you of a real risk. It's a real risk because:
The first step is to acknowledge to yourself that it's reasonable that you feel that way. Don't shame yourself for feeling anxious or even scared of your kid. They have just put you through a major trauma--the trauma of estrangement--so feeling scared, sad, or even rageful is somewhat normal and predictable. "How Can I Reconcile When I Don't Know What's Wrong??"
Q: We have a split with my son because of a daughter-in-law. They have an 11 year old girl and a 8 year old boy who are caught in the middle. I've made so many overtures in an attempt to bridge whatever has caused this gap but whatever I say or do seems to be the wrong thing. It's rather like my daughter-in-law simply wants to be mad about things. I could live with that, but it's taking a huge toll - especially on the 11 year old. She and I have been close since her birth. She doesn't understand this rift any more than I do, and for her sake, this breaks my heart. If I have one question I would like an answer to it would be how does one find out what caused a rift if the adult child and spouse won't tell you?" ANSWER: You may well be right that your DIL needs to be mad and she'll stay mad no matter what you do. That said, I would continue to reach out to your grandchildren on a frequent basis. Sometimes, not always, the grandchildren can pressure the parents into behaving better than they might otherwise because they can't adequately justify their behavior. It's also good for you to have a record in the hearts and minds of your grandchildren that you continued to reach out even when you were being denied contact. The other option is to write something to your son and DIL such as, "I can only assume that I did something that was very hurtful or wrong to one or both of you for you to need this distance in our relationship. While I have plenty of faults, I actually don't know what it was and am wondering if you'd be open to talking with me about it? I really want to have a closer relationship with you both, and I really miss seeing you and my grandchildren as much as I used to." HANDLING LIES FROM THE OTHER PARENT
QUESTION: My daughter was raised in a loving home for most of her life. We attended church together as a family all her life and faith was an integral part of our daily life. After her father and I divorced and she chose to take sides, based on one-sided information, and completely estranged her from me. I have made countless attempts over the last 3 years to make amends, ask for forgiveness and work towards rekindling the relationship with ZERO results. Family members have all tried to open her heart, but now have stopped trying as it is has been futile. Amazingly the pastor of her church where she is very involved as a young adult (24) and the man who provided marriage counseling to her couldn't reach her in bringing her towards forgiveness of what she "thinks" I have done to her father. In my communications to her, I have not gotten into the "details" of the divorce or the misconceptions of what she thinks is reality regarding the "poison" she has been fed, but continue to reach out in love. If Forgiveness is not in her heart, how will it ever soften...how can her perception cloud reality? ANSWER: She's 24 so she may well change her position over time. But, your question does raise an important issue and that's when to address lies that are being told about you by the other parent. Here are some general guidelines: * Don't let yourself be pulled into the mud by your ex. If your child repeats false or exaggerated statements by your ex about you, make it about your child and not about you. In other words, ask them how they felt hearing what was said about you. If you have to refute something, do it calmly, lovingly and briefly. Ideally, find neutral ways to defend yourself with statements like, "I'm not sure why your mother or father thinks that. But sometimes people have very different ideas about the past." * Don't show your outrage and don't express anger at your ex, your adult child, or your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. It will just keep your child in the middle * Try not to personalize their rejection. They're being controlled by a powerful person or dynamic. It isn't their fault. * Show your health and resilience by your affection, love and dedication. In general, my recommendation, if given the opportunity is to get in and get out of those interactions. Resolving Marital Conflicts about Estrangement Estrangement is hard on a marriage. Here are some ways to navigate your differences around it * Be respectful of each other's style. There are strengths in weaknesses in both approaches, whether you're someone who likes to talk and express a lot or you're the opposite. * Set aside a time to talk about the estrangement that is regular and predictable, but time limited. That way, the person who needs to talk knows that there will be time and space for that and the other knows that there will be limits to it. Depending on how burdened you feel, it could either be a daily session for 10-15 minutes or a once weekly session for 20 minutes. During discussions about the estrangement, do the following: o Tell your partner on a scale of 1-10 how you're feeling o Make a request of what you'd like in response. For example, "I'd just like you to listen and feed back what I say without comment. No advice, criticism, or complaining about me." Or "I'd like you to hear me out in terms of how I'd like us to work on this issue. Please listen then let me know what you think." o Use "I statements" such as 'When you cut me off every time I talk about our daughter, I feel hurt and misunderstood" or "When I tell you that I don't want to talk about our daughter for the next 24 hours and you ignore me, I feel resentful." Not, "You're such a pain about this stuff. Just get over it." Or "It's all your fault we have the problems that we do with our child." "Why Is My Estrangement On and Off?" Overall, as painful as it is for parents, an on-and-off estrangement is sometimes better than a full-on one. Well, at least in those cases where the child is reasonable when they're back in contact. An and off estrangement can occur for a variety of reasons. For example:
How Perfectionism Makes Estrangement Feel Worse Perfectionism is a recipe for depression. This is because perfectionism tells you to constantly raise the bar on yourself and say you not only could've done it better--you should've done it better. Perfectionism is a difficult style for even non-estranged parents because it causes people to chronically feel like they should be doing more for their children, and to blame themselves if their children aren't doing well. For estranged parents, perfectionism can be agonizing because part of what is required to heal from an estrangement is the ability to: a) Look at our mistakes b) Take responsibility for those mistakes both to ourselves and our children c) Be able to distinguish between what we might be responsible for, what we're not, and that very large area in between d) Forgive yourself and move to a position of self-love and self-compassion This may be difficult for the perfectionist, because their inner voice says: You should've done better You should've tried harder You're not doing enough now You don't deserve to feel good about yourself or forgive yourself because you're only as good as your achievements The Connection Between Mental Illness, Abusive Behavior
and Estrangement There are many ways that mental illness in a child would cause them to treat the parent in an abusive way: * Their mental illness might interfere with their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, or affect * * It may interfere with their ability to make correct causal links between their past and the parent's behavior. In other words, they may develop theories about why the parent behaved in the way that they did, or how that parent affected the child that have little-to-no basis in reality * * It may cause them to feel in some way defective or flawed and need to blame the parent as a way to feel less shameful. In other words, blaming and abusing the parent is a way to preserve a sense of themselves as ideal and say that if they had had better parenting they wouldn't be burdened with the flaws that they have or the way that their lives turned out * * It may disrupt their ability to manage normal and inevitable conflict between parent and adult child. Because of their difficulty managing emotions, making causal links, or tolerating anxiety, a mentally ill child may be unable to adapt to the normal, expectable, and inevitable slings and arrows that come with family life * * It may cause them to have unrealistic expectations of the parent or what they're entitled to receive in the parent- child relationship. In other words a child's mental illness may cause them to believe that the parent should make accommodations or provisions for the child that are far out of line with normal parent-adult child relationships * |
"Our Son Blames Us for His Depression" We're not sure what to do next for our son. We have admitted our shortcomings and have apologized many times and have offered help in many ways, (therapy, career counselors, life coach). He refuses our help and is very angry and getting more depressed and despondent. All he speaks about in his email is of wanting to die. We are frozen in place. We're also very worried about our grandchild. Answer:
"I Don't Want a False Relationship with my Daughter!" QUESTION: One of the things that struck me in last week's webinar was your assertion that one should leave fairness out of the picture in these cases. After nearly 10 years of estrangement, I took your advice. I stopped expecting my daughter to behave fairly and actually copied a letter out of your book to reply to a hurtful email she had sent me. I also apologized profusely and avoided bringing up my feelings or best interests. It worked. She apologized for being disrespectful and for distancing me and she has arranged to come visit next Monday. (She lives 5 hours' drive away but will be staying at her in-laws' a few hundred miles closer for the next week or so). Despite this, I feel resentful. I don't want a false relationship with my children. She is 27 years old, which in my mind is way past the age when a parent should exclusively cater to a child's needs. In short: it worked but I am disgusted with myself for unfairly taking on the blame and for not being truthful about my feelings. I am also disappointed in my daughter and am less than sure I want to rekindle a "so-called" relationship. I have two questions: 1. How is it okay to give an adult child the impression he or she can ignore another person's thoughts and feelings in the context of a relationship, parent/child or any other? 2. What kind of relationship is built on one person not being permitted to express his or her true self? ANSWER: An early reconciliation is not a model for the rest of your relationship. It's a way to get a conversation started and open the door back into your child's life. You asked how is it okay to give an adult child the impression he or she can ignore another person's thoughts and feelings in the context of a relationship, parent/child or any other? Yet, you also said that she apologized for being disrespectful and for distancing you. I'm not sure what you're wanting, but those actions on your daughter's part are not bupkis (Yiddish for "nothing"). You're a long way away from having the kind of open exchange with your daughter that you'd like, and I'd caution you to move very slowly and lovingly. If you have to swallow your pride a little bit so that you don't get to talk about what this has been like for you, so be it. You just had a breakthrough on a 10 year estrangement and your daughter is making a big effort to come see you. Maybe in a few years you'll be able to talk more about your version of things. For now, smell the roses. Estranged From All 3 Children Q. If having one child estranged, having all three is a triple hit to self esteem. My grandson, whom I have only seen twice...6 weeks old, and six years ago for 45 minutes during an airport layover, just turned 10. My daughter-in-law emails photos regularly, this time birthday photos. I know it is a positive thing, but it always feels like a bitter pill, to see children that I don't know and they don't know me. I am at a loss as to how to handle this. I don't want to tell her to stop sending them, but don't know how to stop the hurt. Any suggestions will be much appreciated. Also, all close family members are on the distribution list except my ex, which probably means he is there with them. Daughter also sends photos of her son with cards, just signature, no message ever. A. Very sorry that you have the estrangement with all 3 of your kids. There are many other parents who are also estranged from all of their kids and I know that that can make it especially painful and hard to fight the feelings of self-blame. I assume that you've tried being very direct with her. Something like, "It was so great to get the pictures. You're always so thoughtful about that and I appreciate it so much. I've been wondering if there's any possibility of my visiting with them at any point in the near future, even briefly?" Then perhaps provide some reason why you'll be in the area and could hang out with them for a few hours. It's always best to make the suggested amount of time brief so they feel in control. Make sure to compliment her on her parenting etc. If you believe that your DIL is the cause of the estrangement it may be useful to write her an amends letter even if you didn't do anything obviously wrong. Also if all of your children are estranged, it's best to write an amends letter to all 3 at the same time, since they'll likely be comparing notes. "Why Do I Have to Walk on Eggshells?"
QUESTION: "My daughter and I are back in tentative contact, however, I feel like I'm guarding myself from hurt and protecting my daughter from my emotions. Is walking on eggshells what one expects in this early stage?" ANSWER Absolutely. All parents who are in the position of early reconciliation feel like they're walking on eggshells and frankly for good reason. The reality is that if you were estranged, the roots of that estrangement may well still exist and could get re-triggered. I don't say this to increase your anxiety-- more to validate that your anxiety serves to correctly warn you of a real risk. It's a real risk because:
The first step is to acknowledge that it's reasonable for you to feel that way. Don't shame yourself for feeling anxious or even scared of your kid. They have just put you through a major trauma--the trauma of estrangement--so feeling scared, sad, or even rageful is somewhat normal and predictable. "Why Won't They Talk About the Estrangement After Reconciliation?"
A not insignificant number of adult children explain their estrangements to themselves and to their parents in ways that are different from the actual reasons for the estrangement. This is often the case when the child's memories are radically at odds with the parent's memories, or when the child takes relatively benign mistakes on the part of the parent and treats them as evidence of some form of abuse or neglect. A child may fail to understand the reason for the estrangement because they need to feel separate from a parent to whom they've been close and weren't aware of that powerful need to separate or not feel dependent. They may also have a harder time understanding their decision to estrange themselves if they tried separating from the parent in a more benign fashion such as less time or more limits, and the parent acted too rejected or angry. In that case, they may have had to escalate the intensity of their memories as a way to justify it to themselves and to the parent. A child may also be embarrassed about how unduly influenced they were to their spouse or to your ex and prefer not to talk about it. "Does My Estranged Child Have
Any Guilt??" Recommendations for Early Reconciliation" I have yet to meet an estranged child who didn't feel guilty about the estrangement. Despite the anger, accusations, and self-righteous indignation, most adult children know that their decision to be estranged was very hard on the parent. So most don't want to talk about the estrangement once they're reconciled, because they know they, in all likelihood don't want to be reminded of that. Recommendations: Given all of these factors, the following are provided as recommendations for early reconciliation:
SURVIVING MOTHER'S DAY
Many estranged mothers feel a sense of dread when Mother's Day approaches. Some common questions are: * What do I tell people when they ask me what I'm going to do for Mother's Day? * How do I manage my feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anger at my friends or children? * Are there any activities that are better or worse to do on those days? * Will I ever be able to get through a holiday and feel sane and whole again? Here are some suggestions: What should I say to others when they ask about my children or grandchildren and Mother's Day? My short answer is whatever you damn well please. In other words, you don't owe anyone anything so you shouldn't feel obligated to say more than you want. If it's an acquaintance or someone you're not close to, you can say something breezy and change the subject. Oh she's off in her own world. I don't see her or the kids as much as I'd like. If they persist you could say, She's very independent.You know kids today. If you want, you could give an update based on the last time you saw your child, grandchild, or say something that you heard through the grapevine. And then change the subject. In other words, you are not ethically obligated to say more than you'd like to about your situation to anyone. Your main goal is get in and out of the conversation and steer it into waters that are more comfortable for you to swim in. If they insist on showing you pictures of their children and grandchildren, take a deep breath, say something appropriately complimentary, and then suddenly be overcome by a powerful desire to go to the bathroom or get something to eat or drink. Also, If it's a friend you may have to be very direct about your request: You may have to say that you either don't want to talk about it or that you only want a specific kind of support. Be specific about the kind of support that you'd like Here are some other things that you can say:
"When Do I Get to Say How I Feel??!!"
I get asked this question a lot and it's an important one. I recommend that parents who have been estranged from their adult children hold off on talking as much about their anger or hurt because I think it's critical that they keep the door open long enough to have a more mutual relationship at some point in the future. If things have gotten so bad that there's been an estrangement (or it's on the verge of one), it means that you don't have the luxury of a mutual relationship in the way that you might with a non-estranged adult child. With the non-estranged, there is often plenty of room for both of you to talk about your feelings and even have more open conflict because the whole basis for the relationship is not on the chopping block. With an estranged child, you have to create the conditions where some later time, maybe years later, there's enough goodwill or maturity for your child to either see you more clearly or accept your perspective. If they're estranged, they're probably not yet ready to hear your perspective. It may make them turn away because it makes them feel too guilty; they may think that you're defending yourself for something that they just want you (wrongly or rightly) to take responsibility for. They may feel (again, wrongly or rightly) like you're blaming them for their feelings. This isn't fair, of course. But I'm a pragmatist when it comes to families. We have to start with where the two of you are right now, not from where it should be. You can't be demanding because you don't have that much power. It's a little like a marriage where one person has a foot out the door and is willing to divorce. The person who doesn't want the marriage to end doesn't have the same power to make demands as the one who is okay with it ending. I know this is very hard to do, but if reconciliation is your goal, then it's important to do it. "Do Grandparents Even Matter?"
Studies show that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not only good for the well-being of the grandparent, it's good for children's development. This isn't terribly surprising. Grandparents serve a number of important roles: They: Provide the grandchild with another opinion about who they are. That is, if the parents of the grandchild are critical or rejecting or simply too overwhelmed to give positive input to the grandchild, the grandparent can give them a different experience of themselves in relation to others Grandparents can keep an eye on problematic or dysfunctional family behavior, and in some cases, intervene on behalf of the grandchild. Obviously, I qualify it by saying in some casesbecause many parents are disinterested in the grandparents' input. But, the grandparent, nonetheless, can serve as a corrective to the dysfunctional aspects of the parents. Grandparents may have a greater investment in perpetuating the family lineage and therefore serve as a rich resource of identity, history, and stories of family members. Do I Even Want to Keep Trying to Reconcile?? One of the best ways to think about estrangement is that it occurs on a continuum from temporary and resolvable, to irresolvable and permanent. Because estrangement evokes such powerful feelings of despair, guilt, regret, and fear it's often difficult for parents to know where they fall on the continuum. * Are my efforts slowly and silently having a positive effect? * Slowly and silently or loudly having a negative effect? * Or are all efforts a complete waste of time since the child has already decided that they're not going back no matter how perfectly the parent behaves? DO I EVEN WANT TO TRY? But before I go any further I want to say something on the topic of whether you should keep trying or just give up: One of the things that parents have to decide is whether they have it in them to keep trying or whether it's better for their mental health to throw in the towel. Sometimes, and this is important, what might be better for our adult child isn't better for us; and at this point of your lives, you get to decide. And that may well mean deciding not to continue to work on it. I find this particularly confusing terrain for mothers because they're socialized to put themselves last and to always keep trying. So, if you're on the fence, let me start by saying maybe you shouldn't try. Here is the case against it: * Maybe it costs you too much psychologically. * Maybe trying means having to remain open to someone who just dumps raw sewage on you every time you encounter him or her. * Maybe trying means that your self-esteem gets constantly put up on the auction block for the lowest bidder who happens to be the one person whose opinion you care the most about-your child. * Maybe it's too hard to keep trying because the rejection from your child reminds you too much of how rejected you felt by your own parents or family. And you just don't have that much to give because so much of your energy goes every day to trying to feel like you have a right to be alive or have any kind of a life, even before the trauma of estrangement was visited upon you. "My Child Says I Have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder" One of the most common diagnoses that I hear adult make today of their parents (well, mostly of their mothers) is that they have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think it's one of most misused and over-diagnosed disorders in use today, but let's review it just to see if you do, or if your kid does: Common symptoms:
Why Are Amends Letters Helpful?
There are few relationships where thereʼs an absolute right and wrong way to apologize. In most of your other relationships, itʼs typically enough to have good intentions, offer an explanation for why you did something that was hurtful, and to say youʼre sorry. However, as you may already know, there are many pitfalls in making amends to an adult child. Among other things, you may be accused of being insincere, your apology may get thrown back in your face, or you may be told that youʼre not taking enough responsibility. Many parents also get caught up with the idea that they donʼt believe that they have anything to apologize for, or any amends to make. This perception reflects a misunderstanding of what adult children need when they want their parents to make amends. They also get caught up in the rightness or wrongness of their childʼs accusations without trying to understand the underlying emotion that is being expressed. So Iʼd like to offer some guidance and clarification on this topic: WHY ARE LETTERS OF AMENDS OFTEN HELPFUL IN RECONCILIATION? 1) It shows that you care. "Of course I care. They know I care! Havenʼt I shown in it in about a million ways?" Yes, you have. But, that isnʼt the current game in town. The current game in town is the one where your adult child claims that you have wronged them in some way. When that is at play, all of your good efforts are pushed into the background. Not necessarily permanently, but permanently enough so that you canʼt just reach over and remind your child of them and have that be enough. 2) Amends take courage: Have you ever heard the saying,"It takes a strong person to say theyʼre sorry." Our children respect us more if we can fearlessly take responsibility for whatever ways our choices or behavior were hurtful to them 3) It contributes to clarifying what weʼre responsible for and what weʼre not. Ironically, the longer and the louder that we protest that we were perfect as parents, the harder they will have to raise their voices to prove weʼre wrong. Thatʼs why parents are often surprised by how distorted the childʼs memories are. Children may have to exaggerate them to feel like theyʼre getting on our radar. "You were ALWAYS GONE." "You were ALWAYS SO SELF-CENTERED!" The healthy response is to simply acknowledge that when you were gone it was a problem and whatever ways you were focused on yourself was problematic to your child. Youʼre not ever required to say, ʻI was a miserable selfish lout (unless of course, you actually were). Most of the time, they donʼt require that. 4) Separate realities: itʼs helpful to children to eventually see that we understand the separate realities nature of family life. That parents can miss things that their children needed or wanted and be strong enough to simply accept that and not act like they shouldʼve been perfect. 5) It will help you in your self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Part of forgiving ourselves for whatever mistakes we made comes from feeling that we have done everything possible to repair the effect of our mistakes. If we believe that we've wronged our children, then we may believe that weʼre supposed to suffer for the rest of our lives. Knowing that we have done everything possible to reach out to our children and have tried to make amends for whatever mistakes we have made is one of the most powerful way to heal, not only our relationships with out children, but ourselves. Real parenting is a minefield of mistakes. No one gets out without making tons of them. Iʼm a psychologist and made so many you could write a book about them. Wait, I already did! "WHEN SHOULDN'T I SEND AN AMENDS LETTER?" While writing an amends letter is one of my most recommended strategies for estranged parents, it's not always the right thing to do. Here are some cases where you shouldn't: 1) Your child has made it clear that you didn't do anything wrong and that they just need time and space. While that could be said by a child who's conflict avoidant, most of the time when adult children say it, they mean it. Some recognize that they are triggered in ways by spending time with the parent that isn't a result of the parent's behavior. In those situations, writing a letter could look too worried, or unable to take the child at their word. 2) Whenever you do apologize, it makes the relationship more inflamed. For some adult children, apologizing validates an angry or irrational part of them that is better left unvalidated. 3) You've already sent an amends letter and a follow-up.Generally I don't recommend that parents send more than one amends letter and one follow-up 6-8 weeks after. More than that is overkill. If they didn't get the message with the first 2, they probably won't with more. Perfectionism and Parental Estrangement
In general, perfectionism is a recipe for depression. This is because perfectionism tells you to constantly raise the bar on yourself and say you not only could've done it better--you should've done it better. Perfectionism is a difficult style for even non-estranged parents because it causes people to chronically feel like they should be doing more for their children, and to blame themselves if their children aren't doing well. For estranged parents, perfectionism can be agonizing because part of what is required to heal from an estrangement is the ability to: a) Look at our mistakes b) Take responsibility for those mistakes both to ourselves and our children c) Be able to distinguish between what we might be responsible for,what we're not, and that very large area in between d) Forgive yourself and move to a position of self-love and self-compassion This may be difficult for the perfectionist, because their inner voice says: You should've done better You should've tried harder You're not doing enough now You don't deserve to feel good about yourself or forgive yourself because you're only as good as your achievements Anxiety and Parental Estrangement
While estrangement can create anxiety in anyone, you may have been an anxious person well before you became a parent and well before your estrangement. Ongoing anxiety can cast a long shadow over an otherwise meaningful life. Gaining control over it can make an enormous difference in your ability to work on your estrangement and your serenity. WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY? The Body's Alarm System Anxiety is a warning system that you're in danger; it is generally characterized by an overestimation or magnification of risk and an underestimation of your ability to cope. THE ANXIETY FORMULA: Overestimation of threat +Underestimation of ability to cope = Anxious response. Some of the following personal styles may increase a tendency toward anxiety: Excessive need for approval: locates control in others opinions about you, which increases feeling of being out of control of your life. Tendency to ignore physical and psychological signs of distress: This results in your not recognizing toxic situations or people. It may also prevent you from recognizing the signs that you need to slow down, breathe, exercise, sleep, or to pay close enough attention to how you're speaking to yourself. Conflict avoidant: Because anxiety can cause us to believe that something is wrong with us, it's not unusual to avoid conflict in order to avoid a confirmation that you're defective in some way. In addition, you may believe that you need other's approval more than is good for you. Ironically, avoiding conflict increases anxiety because it prevents you from creating the kinds of situations and relationships that create greater feelings of security and well-being. ---------------------------------------------------------- HOW DOES ESTRANGEMENT AFFECT NON-ESTRANGED SIBLINGS
AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS? An adult child who cuts off everyone in the family provokes many questions and dilemmas for the parents of the estranged child: * How do I explain the estrangement to older relatives or other family members? * How do I help the non-estranged sibling with their profound feelings of loss or anger? * How do I give them what they deserve when I'm so sad all the time? On the other hand, sometimes children estrange themselves from the parents but retain a relationship with their siblings or other family members. This can raise the question of: * Should I have my non-estranged child defend us or try to provide a more balanced view? * Should I have them carry messages to the estranged child since the estranged child refuses contact? * How do I handle my estranged child's fears that he or she will be rejected if they challenge their sibling's estrangement in any way? Another sadly common dilemma is when other friends or family members exacerbate the estrangement by siding with the estranged child. This raises the questions of: * Should I forbid my sibling or parents to go to my estranged child's wedding or other celebrations if I'm not allowed to go? * How do I handle my feelings of betrayal, anger, or jealousy if they go despite my protests? * What do I do if I believe that their behavior or communication is exacerbating my estrangement? The Long Wait of Estrangement
One of the greatest challenges of estrangement is the wait. When will this end? Will it end? Is this my new life? The answer is, you don't know and it's important to make peace with that reality. Why? Because anxiety about what will be will pollute your life. It will rob the joy of today with the worry about tomorrow or the regrets of yesterday. Perhaps, more important, it may cause you to write that letter or make that phone call that's always circulating in your head. You know the one, "I am so sick of your bullshit and cruel mistreatment. Whatever crazy ideas you have about me, the past, or the present, none of it merits the torment you're putting me through. So, go screw yourself because I am done." I'm not against parents saying that to themselves. In fact, I'm often quite in favor of it because it can be an appropriate firewall against the steady chorus of self-blame, guilt and shame that attends an estrangement. But I do not recommend your writing that letter to your kid. No matter how cathartic it feels in the moment, and it will feel cathartic- like you're finally standing up for yourself- you will seriously injure whatever possibilities there are for a future reconcilation. The reality is that sometimes estrangements take years and years to resolve. When will it end? I don't know and neither do you. I DO know what will make it not resolve, and that's writing that letter. So step away from the computer and go do something else that will make you feel alive and in touch with who you are. It May Be Less About You Than They Say
Many parents are completely baffled by their adult child's estrangement. Parents who have invested a lot in their children with love, sacrifice, time, and money are shocked by how angry and hurtful their children are. "Why are they so unforgiving? So hostile? So contemptuous? So unwilling to take into account everything I did for them?" There are many reasons why children estrange themselves from their parents and that's why a cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all approach is doomed to fail. It's why pursuing some adult children is right for one and wrong for the next. It's why listening without responding is good for one child, and standing up for yourself is the right thing to do with another. It's rarely simple, as I'm sure you're all too aware. First of all, it may be less about you then they say, and less about you then it seems. For the most part, our adult children are far more involved in their own lives than they are in thinking about what we parents are feeling as parents or grandparents. I don't think this is because we've spoiled them all. I think it has to do with the way that parents are wired. We're wired to think about our children all of the time because their survival and well-being depended on that when they were small. In addition, for most parents of adult children, our lives have already been laid out in terms of how they will look like going forward. We largely know at this point where we'll be living, who our friends are, whether or not we're married or partnered, etc. Overall, the lives of our adult children are far more in a state of flux. This has many implications for us parents. * They don't have as much time * We're not as much a priority * We're not as key to their identity or self-esteem at this point (i.e. being a good son or daughter probably doesn't figure as strongly into their identity as does being a good mother or father) * We may be more of a burden In addition, because they have chosen to take a stance with you that is either one of estrangement, or anger, doesn't necessarily mean that they no longer care. It is rare for me to work with an estranged adult child and have them say that they simply don't care. Most are in a state of conflict around their estrangement. They feel guilt, and often express missing their parents. This is important to keep in mind because just because it feels like they want you to suffer does not mean that is their goal. THE ROLE OF MENTAL ILLNESS IN ESTRANGEMENT
There are many ways that mental illness in a child would cause them to treat the parent in an abusive or distant way: * Their mental illness might interfere with their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, or affect * It may interfere with their ability to make correct causal links between their past and the parent's behavior. In other words, they may develop theories about why the parent behaved in the way that they did, or how that parent affected the child that have little-to-no basis in reality * It may cause them to feel in some way defective or flawed and need to blame the parent as a way to feel less shameful. In other words, blaming and abusing the parent is a way to preserve a sense of themselves as ideal and say that if they had had better parenting they wouldn't be burdened with the flaws that they have or the way that their lives turned out * It may disrupt their ability to manage normal and Inevitable conflicts between the parent and adult child. Because of their difficulty managing emotions, making causal links, or tolerating anxiety, a mentally ill child may be unable to adapt to the normal, expectable, and inevitable slings and arrows that come with family life * It may cause them to have unrealistic expectations of the parent or what they're entitled to receive in the parent- child relationship. In other words a child's mental illness may cause them to believe that the parent should make accommodations or provisions for the child that are far out of line with normal parent-adult child relationships * * It may make them more vulnerable to manipulation from a more troubled person such as a SIL/DIL, your ex- spouse or other family member. ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT
FAMILY THERAPY? With the right therapist, family therapy may be the quickest route to a reconciliation. But, as I always tell parents in my practice, let's be clear about what family therapy with your adult child is likely to be: 1) A place where your child gets to talk far more about their feelings than do you 2) A place where there will be less empathy expected for you as there may be for your adult child, including by the therapist. 3) A place where you may not get nearly as much support as you want or deserve, and not because your therapist is incompetent 4) A place where you will have to tolerate hearing the many ways that you hurt, disappointed, or let your child down and not get an equal amount of time to talk about all of the ways that you feel hurt, misunderstood, or mistreated. "I Don't Want My Future Daughter-in-law to Get Any of Our Money!"
We don't like the rude disrespectful woman our son has moved in with and is apparently saying he is going to marry. She has ADHD, is on medication for it, and has serious impulse control issues with inappropriate vulgar comments and immature rude behavior in front of our family. Because I pointed this out to him and the danger of her getting pregnant on medication with birth defects to the baby, she hates me. Says I believe she is damaged goods and not good enough for my only child. She tells him there is no point in trying to talk to me since I will never change my attitude about her. She is encouraging him to stay away from us and is isolating him from his friends AND entire family. He can't see it, like you said last week: he finds her assertiveness/aggressiveness as sexy and independent. He can't separate her bold behavior from the mental issues that make her that way. He wants to be independent of us, saying as long as we parent him, he is still a child. He wanted his bills once he graduated college. We sent them to him. He has not paid one dime on them. We have done the tough love thing, asking him to bring back the car we bought (and put him on as co- buyer to get him credit) since he won't pay for the license and insurance and the cell phone he can't pay for on his part time salary. We decided to tell him that we are not leaving him any of our estate if he stays with or marries her. We definitely do NOT want her getting our hard earned money and family inheritance, or being able to control him if he is our Power of Attorney in our old age. She would have us rot in horrible conditions just to get even. If she is a gold digger, we thought knowing that we wrote him out of the trust would make her not want him anymore. Apparently not or maybe he just hasn't told her about it yet. We are serious about taking him out of the trust. What do you think? Also, how do you get him to go to a psychiatrist/psychologist with us to open his eyes to her mental illness and the Stockholm syndrome he is being conditioned into before it is too late? ANSWER: Telling him you're cutting him out of your will won't motivate him to think of her more negatively. It will make him think of you more negatively. Like it or not, this is the woman he has chosen to be with and, while he's giving you double messages about his ability to function as an adult without you, you're giving him a double message by not letting him choose who to marry. I do see why you have concerns about her and she may well end up being a bad wife and mother if he marries her. Unfortunately, this is for him to discover on his own. The more you take a position against her, the more he will feel obligated to embrace her as a show of independence and autonomy. This may well be the mother of your grandchildren so I would advise you to take a different position. I would retract what you have said about taking him out of the will if he marries her. I would also try opening a new avenue of communication on reaching out to her. Even if you don't like her, he will respect you for it and that's what should be prioritized. You still get to decide whether to leave him in or out of your will--and you should consult with an estate attorney about ways to protect his inheritance from her--but the current course you're on will only worsen your relationship with both of them. FACEBOOK, SOCIAL MEDIA AND ESTRANGEMENT It used to be that estrangements between family members were done far more privately. Prior to social media, or even the rapid transmission of the internet, one could be estranged from a child and the only people who would hear about it might be whomever the parents wanted to tell and the close circle of confidents of the estranged adult child. For all the anguish they caused, an estrangement could mean a fairly clean break, however painful, for both the parent and the child. People would cut off contact and perhaps never be heard from again unless they reconciled. Sadly, social media, Facebook and blogs in particular, have stood all of that on its head. Social media allow the child to: * Broadcast their estrangement to the world eliciting the feedback of known others and perfect strangers * Shame and humiliate the parent in a very public way * Torment the parent by posting photos of the estranged child, their children, or other non-estranged family members, stepparents, or family friends * Hurt the parent by defriending them * List stepmothers or stepfathers as one's family and not list the biological parent as family * In the case of adoptive parents, list only the birth mother as the mother and remove the adoptive mother as mother on the site * Hurt the parent by announcing such critical events as births, parties, or weddings through social media while not letting the parents know directly * Provide others with information to hurt or malign the estranged parent Should I tell others to defriend my child or not post on their site? In general, I don't recommend that parents ask their friends or family members to take sides in the world of estrangement. Overall, your chances of reconciliation are generally increased the fewer degrees of separation there are between you and your adult child. Of course, that's less true if your families are enemies to your cause rather than allies. But, if they're enemies then telling them that they can't post, won't advance your cause anyway. On the other hand you can tell those close to you who are in contact that you'd rather not hear reports about what they're seeing on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter. For those who hope to reconcile, the online sleuthing can backfire if it is perceived as spying. I commonly hear estranged adult children referring to their parents trying to get information about them as "stalking." While I think that's a very unfair characterization, you should know that your child may be more sophisticated than you are in terms of knowing who's reading their posts, so view cautiously. Is Your Child's Therapist Part of Your Estrangement?
Helping individuals to understand how their families affected them is indeed important, as we discussed earlier in the week. You probably know from your own experience growing up in a family how parents and siblings can powerfully shape who you are, your feelings of trust or safety in the world, and later, your ability to parent. The problem with this orientation is that so many adult children believe that if they didn't get what they deserved growing up, or haven't gotten it when they became adults then the parent is deserving of suspicion and contempt if not outright estrangement. This orientation also tempts the adult child to rewrite history from the perspective of understanding their adult lives from a view of what could've been with so-called better parenting. It may cause them, rightly or wrongly, to view their failures, deficits, or conflicts as resulting from mistakes or problems in parenting rather than developing a more well-rounded view of development and who their parents are or were. As important as parenting is, we now know that what creates an adult is also greatly determined by genetics, neighborhood, relations with peers, relations with siblings, other adults, and socioeconomic level. The tragedy of our historically recent preoccupation with parents is that it assumes that a) they're more responsible than they in fact are and b) that the deficits in parenting are something to feel mad about rather than some degree of compassion for. "MY CHILD'S MEMORY OF HER CHILDHOOD IS ALL WRONG. VERY UPSETTING!!" Dear Dr. Coleman, "My daughter recently talked about memories of me from her childhood that are completely wrong. I told her that her memory was off and she said, "Of course you say that. You always want to cover up everything." The memory wasn't of anything terrible like abuse, but it characterized me as being selfish and neglectful in ways that are completely wrong. What am I supposed to do with that? It's very upsetting." Answer: It is extremely upsetting to be wrongly accused by one's own child. Especially when you've been a very dedicated and loving parent. Parents who are wrongly accused feel hurt, betrayed, misunderstood and enraged. What should you do when this happens? Here are some suggestions:
Do Grandparents Even Matter? Studies show that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not only good for the well-being of the grandparent, it's good for children's development. This isn't terribly surprising. Grandparents serve a number of important role. They: * Provide the grandchild with another opinion about who they are. That is, if the parents of the grandchild are critical or rejecting or simply too overwhelmed to give positive input to the grandchild, the grandparent can give them a different experience of themselves in relation to others * Grandparents can keep an eye on problematic or dysfunctional family behavior, and in some cases, intervene on behalf of the grandchild. Obviously, I qualify it by saying in some cases because many parents are disinterested in the grandparents' input. But, the grandparent, nonetheless, can serve as a corrective to the dysfunctional aspects of the parents. * Grandparents may have a greater investment in perpetuating the family lineage and therefore serve as a rich resource of identity, history, and stories of family members. * Finally, grandparents can provide a different role model of behavior for the child to identify with. "SUPERVISED GRANDPARENT VISITS??"
I am estranged from my adult son, age 30, my only child, who I raised alone since he was age 2, after divorcing his dad. His dad has a personality disorder and has all the problems that go with it. My son married 6 years ago and they live in a distant state. I only became aware there was a problem when my granddaughter was born and I flew out to visit. At that time I was trying to quit smoking (and did successfully quit a week later), but my son "caught" me smoking outdoors behind their house. All hell broke loose; they made me change my clothes before I could hold the baby, then washed all my clothes. This prompted them to bring up every little miniscule complaint my DIL ever had against me since they married 4 years earlier. While I understood that new parents might be very protective about a new baby being around even "thirdhand" smoke, all the other things they were complaining about just blindsided me! My son continuing the conversation wouldn't do any good because "You never listen." He said "You have just one way you think things ought to be, and you just won't accept anything different." They never once said in a loving way, "Mom, we'd love to come visit at your house, but Mary has a smoke allergy that really bothers her," which I could have understood. I have tried to send a letter of amends to my DIL via e-mail, but despite my sending it twice, she won't open it. I sent it also to my son so that he would know that it was a very nice letter telling her all the true things I admire about her, but she still has not read it. Do I start over? They ask me to come to take care of the children while they are at work for a week before school starts. Then I was told that they don't think I should be alone with the kids, so one or the other (son or daughter in law) will be "supervising" (their word, no reason ). Obviously I love my grandkids and jump at the chance to see them after 2 years, but my son doesn't offer to pay for a thing, I am even expected to pay for household food when I'm there, rent a car for myself - cover all costs 100%. I am not a wealthy person, I am still working full time at my age, because I have to. ANSWER: I could see why you'd be upset. For young parents to make such a big deal about the smell of smoke on clothes is taking protectiveness toward children to a new extreme. That said, this is the son and DIL you have and therefore all that you have to work with. In this case, I wouldn't process or discuss this any more with them. Instead, I would just allow time to run its course. I could easily see why you'd be both insulted and angered by the idea that you have to be supervised while visiting with the grandchildren (I hear this a lot). But, if it's the only way to spend time with the grandchildren and you can stomach it, it may be worth doing for a while just to prove to them that you're not this ogre that they're making you out to be. Is My Child in a Cult or Cult-like Relationship?
Focusing as much as I do on the topic of estrangement has made me far more interested in cults than I ever thought I'd be. From my clinical experience and from my reading, it has become clear that cults come in a number of shapes and sizes ranging from group membership with a powerful leader to a dyadic cult, where an estranged child is unduly influenced by a single person such as a spouse. Even a parent using Parental Alienation Syndrome can have many similarities to a cult leader. Signs that my child might be in a cult: * Sudden or dramatic change in personality or belief system * Rewriting childhood history as bad or abusive * Use of language that seems coached or out of character * Rejection of parents, siblings, and anyone close to them * Rejection of anything related to the past such as cherished childhood objects * Black and white thinking * Radical change in life plan * Secrecy * Dogmatic belief systems "CHILD IS BACK BUT IT'S SO AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE!" All parents who are in the position of early reconciliation feel like they're walking on eggshells and frankly for good reason. The reality is that if you were estranged, the roots of that estrangement may well still exist and could get re-triggered. I don't say this to increase your anxiety-- more to validate that your anxiety serves to correctly warn you of a real risk. It's a real risk because:
Abuse vs. Obnoxious Behavior
I often hear people describing behavior as abusive that I would label as perhaps emotional or even obnoxious. In other words, just because it feels like abuse doesn't make it abuse. A raised voice in and of itself isn't necessarily abusive. And just because your child's telling you all of the ways that you let them down or ruined their life makes you feel like a truck just backed up over you, it still doesn't automatically make their behavior abusive. Part of what makes reconciliation so difficult is finding a way to let children have their complaints about us while we manage how awful it makes us feel when they do. Ironically, and within certain limits, the easier we can make it on them, the better it will go. For many, if not most, our ability to acknowledge our character flaws and our ability to tolerate their description of how they were impacted can move things more quickly to healing the past. Children sometimes escalate a more minor complaint into something that's more abusive when they feel that we're belittling their concerns or not taking their perspectives seriously. They may also escalate them if they don't think they'll be taken seriously unless the complaint is exaggerated into something far more dramatic. So, for those children, being interested, taking responsibility, and showing empathy can help defuse the conflict. But not for all adult children. Some adult children take our willingness to keep listening and reaching out no matter what to mean that we're too weak to take them on. They escalate their behavior into abuse, in part, because they're out of control. In addition, sometimes they escalate their behavior as an attempt to have some appropriate limits set on their behavior. Your Child May Not Understand Their Own Estrangement
A not insignificant number of adult children explain their estrangements to themselves and to their parents in ways that are different from the actual reasons for the estrangement. This is often the case when the child's memories are radically at odds with the parent's memories, or when the child takes relatively benign mistakes on the part of the parent and treats them as evidence of some form of abuse or neglect. A child may fail to understand the reason for the estrangement because they need to feel separate from a parent whom they've been close to and weren't aware of that powerful need to separate or not feel dependent. They may also have a harder time understanding their decision to estrange themselves if they tried separating from the parent in a more benign fashion such as less time or more limits, and the parent acted too rejected or angry. In that case, they may have had to escalate the intensity of their memories as a way to justify it to themselves and to the parent. A child may also be embarrassed about how unduly influenced they were by their spouse or by your ex and prefer not to talk about it. "When Do I Get to Say How I Feel??" Many parents of estranged children are furious with their adult children. They feel devalued, misunderstood, taken advantage of, kicked to the curb, shamed and humiliated; like their child has taken the most innocent and vulnerable part of them and rubbed their noses in it. They feel blamed for things that they either never did or said, or if they did, that should fairly be balanced out by all the loving, dedicated things that the parent did over the many years of parenting. And many adult children are quite abusive. They're abusive in their blame, coldness and lack of empathy. This can create enormous pain in the parent. However, if reconciliation is your goal, you're never going to get anywhere if you return fire with fire. In this domain of estranged families, you have to tread more lightly. You don't have to tolerate bad behavior or rubber stamp it, but if you return fire with fire you're not really advancing anything or creating potential for a better relationship. You're only giving your child or their spouse ammunition to use against you. Not fair, but very little about etrangement is. Why Mistakes with Estrangement Are Unavoidable Parental estrangement can evoke ongoing and intense feelings of rejection, fear, guilt and anger. It brings out the most primitive, primal feelings in us to realize that the child we have raised and invested so much time, love and energy into is acting like we've ruined their lives and they may well never want to see us again. Once an estrangement gets started, it's almost impossible for a parent to avoid doing or saying something that won't make the estrangement worse. It's like quicksand-the harder you fight to get out, the more stuck you get. This is for several reasons: Few parents have encountered anything like an estrangement in their lives, and thus, have little prior experience to guide them. The rules that govern behavior in the mind of the parent are typically quite different from the rules that govern the child for her or his generation. Most people who would provide guidance to the parent, therapists included, often give advice that worsens the estrangement rather than improves it Parents often respond in ways that, rightly or wrongly, make the adult child feel criticized or guilt-tripped and this has the effect of turning them away, rather than bringing them closer. When I say mistakes, I want to let people know that these are really inevitable mistakes once an estrangement starts to get triggered. However, they're important to think about for your ability to work toward a reconciliation with your adult child and to develop your own feelings of serenity and resolution and restore your own self-esteem, whether or not a reconciliation is possible. "When Will I Feel Better?"
It's common that parents who are going through an estrangement to have days where they feel more resolved and accepting of the estrangement and those where they don't. A certain amount is dictated by how well you're sleeping, eating, exercising, getting support, or being impacted by other stressors. However, it's important to pay attention to what specifically triggers you. For example, some common triggers are:
When you do get triggered, pay attention to which feelings are the most disruptive for you. Is it:
Here are some immediate things you can do or say to yourself to prevent yourself from getting swamped with negative emotions: 1) "It is what it is and there's nothing more I can do about it at this moment." This is useful because part of what keeps our minds returning to the scene of estrangement is the belief, conscious or unconscious, that we can solve it if we only try hard enough. That's often not the case and in fact, is counterproductive 2) "I've done everything that I can do, for now, and I will have to let time take its course." Like #1, it acknowledges the efforts that you've made, and encourages you to let go of whatever torturous thought or feeling is circulating through you. 3) "It's healthy for me to not think about my child." Many parents, Moms in particular, feel like they're being bad parents, if not bad people, if they're not feeling bad, guilty, or worried about their child all the time. Allow me to say that that is wrong, wrong, and wrong. For this moment, focus on what would give you pleasure and attend to that, not your damned kid. "MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IS SETTING UP AN ESTRANGEMENT!"
QUESTION: My future daughter-in-law will only communicate to me via email or text. Currently she will only communicate via text, yet she is not honest in this text communication. She cuts and pastes my texts so that the end result is a negative misrepresentation of what I said. Isn't that creative? Even though we have spoken honestly to her and my son in a friendly and non- threatening way about preferring the phone or face-to-face whenever possible, she refuses any other form of communication. For example, she texted me the message that if I want to invite family guests to their upcoming wedding, I must deliver a list to her by text or miss the opportunity to invite guests. My son is avoiding the issue. He phones me when he knows I'm at work and doesn't pick up when I call him back. What next steps should I take? ANSWER: This is a pre-estrangement scenario; The son is in some kind of contact with the mother; the future daughter-in-law is in contact with her but she's goading her future MIL into doing something which is going to justify her cutting the parents off. She has already started by limiting the contact that the son has. She's doing this thing with the texts where she intentionally makes it seem like the mom is being critical. Several things are important here: One is that there's an upcoming wedding. If this is a more troubled person, and I would argue that she is given this bizarre form of communication, she must have a lot of anxiety about the upcoming wedding. People who are more troubled tend to have more anxiety about weddings, especially those where there will be expectations of her which could create opportunities for shame or disappointment. My advice to you is to not fight her on this. You should show her that she has the power and you're not a threat. If there's a wedding in the works, she's probably going to be particularly watchful of you to see if you're going to let her call the shots. I'd make it clear that you are. Sometimes a difficult son-in-law or daughter-in-law is the main cause of a long-term estrangement. If that's true for you, join us this Tuesday we'll address the following questions:
A SAMPLE GOODBYE/LETTING GO LETTER
We'll discuss whether to keep trying or stop tomorrow night. If you do decide to let go and there's some chance that they'll see a goodbye letter I recommend that you write something like the following: Dear_____ It's clear that my contacting you is more upsetting than useful to you so wanted to write to say that I will be respecting your wishes and not contacting you any more. I love you very much and am deeply sorry for whatever I have done to make a reconciliation with me seem so impossible. I know that you wouldn't cut me out of your life if you felt like there was some other way to preserve your own well-being and still be in contact. For that reason, I don't want you to feel guilty about that decision. I also want you to know that if you ever change your mind, the door is always open to either re-connect or to work on the relationship with me with a family therapist present. Love, Mom, Dad, etc Now I assume that that would be a hard letter for most parents to write, but it's the letter that I recommend you write if you're going to do it. The reason is: * You're removing all guilt and blame and anger from the interaction. * It's a selfless act but not a spineless act. * It's being selfless from a position of strength. * It sets the stage for a healthier relationship in the future But, I would rather no one rush out and write that letter until they listen to the upcoming seminar on making amends in a few weeks because there's still a lot more ground to cover and that kind of letter is really an endgame type of action. DEPRESSION AND ESTRANGEMENT
About 1 in 8 women develop clinical depression in their lifetimes. The rate for men is somewhat lower but that may be because men often mask their depression through denial, anger, and substance abuse. I think that the rate of depression in estranged mothers is extremely high since motherhood is such a central way that women define themselves. While a high percentage of parents become depressed in one form or another during their estrangements, those who have struggled with depression much of their lives are even more deeply impacted by it. That's because depression can sap the drive that we need in order to push back against the self-critical, self-hating thoughts that can be triggered by an estrangement. Depression may also cause you to believe that everything bad that happens to you is either your fault or your fate, and therefore it won't do any good to fight it. And even more unfairly, your depression, if obvious, may make your child more worried about you, which may cause them to distance themselves rather than try to be close to you. Recommendations: Here are a few steps if you struggle with depression:
How Do I Tell the Rest of the Family About
My Estrangement An adult child who cuts off everyone in the family provokes many questions and dilemmas for the parents of the estranged child: * How do I explain the estrangement to older relatives or other family members? * How do I help the non-estranged sibling with their profound feelings of loss or anger? * How do I give them what they deserve when I'm so sad all the time? On the other hand, sometimes children estrange themselves from the parents but retain a relationship with their siblings or other family members. This can raise the question of: * Should I have my non-estranged child defend us or try to provide a more balanced view? * Should I have them carry messages to the estranged child since the estranged child refuses contact? * How do I handle my estranged child's fears that he or she will be rejected if they challenge their sibling's estrangement in any way? Another sadly common dilemma is when other friends or family members exacerbate the estrangement by siding with the estranged child. This raises the questions of: * Should I forbid my sibling or parents to go to my estranged child's wedding or other celebrations if I'm not allowed to go? * How do I handle my feelings of betrayal, anger, or jealousy if they go despite my protests? * What do I do if I believe that their behavior or communication is exacerbating my estrangement? " How Do I Handle the Other Parent's
Lies About Me?" * In general, you're far better off letting them tell you what the other parent said, then: * Ask them how they felt listening to the other parent complain about you. * Empathize with what that was like: "Must have been painful to hear your mother/father tell you those things. What did you think or feel listening to that?" * If the summary isn't true is only partially true you could say, "Well, that actually isn't what happened," or, "that's only half of the story. I don't really think it's very helpful to you to get into a he said/she said here. I'm much more interested in hearing how that affected you and I'm happy to answer any questions that you have about any of this." * If you are asked questions, make sure that you don't blame or accuse the other parent. Be factual and brief. Get in and get out. * Make amends to your child if you criticized the other parent. Say something like, "I'm sorry I said that about your mother. I know it puts you in the middle and that isn't fair. I was upset but it wasn't an appropriate way to handle my feelings." * Your main task is to speak calmly, show an openness to helping them with their feelings, and making the interaction more about that than your defending yourself. I'll See Estranged Daughter at Son's Wedding:
What Do I Do? My daughter, now 30, was 3 when her father and I divorced. With my consent, she started seeing the school psychologist at the suggestion of her teacher. She has been in and out of the mental health system ever since. She started self-harming in her early teens, and that behavior has persisted into her twenties. About two and a half years ago, she told me we needed a break from each other. I heard from her about 4 months later, right after she had been discharged from a psychiatric hospital. We communicated pretty much on a daily basis for the next six months, mostly via text. The communication dwindled down to nothing a few weeks before we were both going to be flying home for a family function. (I attended; she didn't.) That was about fifteen months ago and I haven't heard from her since. My son is getting married this fall and my daughter will be in the bridal party. Do you have any suggestions for what I might do to between now and the wedding to reach out to my daughter that will help the day go smoothly and at the same time not jeopardize the chances of a reconciliation? A. Yes, I would write and say that you're greatly looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. Say that you can tell that she's probably upset with you since she's not returning your calls, emails and texts and that you wanted to see if that could be talked over before the wedding so it didn't color the visit. Let her know that you're happy to just listen if she wants to talk and you'll try not to be defensive. If she doesn't respond I would see how she is at the wedding. I would act glad to see her, and act like nothing happened. If she ignores you, I would try to find a way to gently pull her aside and see if you can get her to tell you what's wrong. "We're Criticized for Gifts to the Grandkids!" Q. It has been 2 1/2 years since my son told us off on the phone on Christmas Eve (after they got home) because he and his wife thought the gifts we gave our 4-year-old granddaughter were too young for her. My husband and I were speechless. Accusations went back and forth for about a year, and there is no communication now. I sent my son a nice card a month ago, and he returned it unopened. I have called him two times in the last year, and asked if we could see the girls, and he said he would talk to his wife and call me back. He never called me back. We went to our psychologist for about a year, but he said there wasn't much we could do at this point. Anyway, my question is: Should we keep sending presents to our 2 granddaughters (now ages 7 and 9) even though we don't get a response or a thank you? We don't send any more gifts to my son and daughter-in-law, and they don't send anything to us. Do you think there is ever going to be reconciliation? Will I ever see my son again? We always were so close until this happened. His wife is very domineering and she told him it was her or us!! He said this in an email to my daughter. He had to make a choice! ANSWER: I guess it's a sign of the times that an adult child feels like he has the right to yell at his parents because he thinks the gifts that were given were too young for his child. This is a classic case of the child feeling like they have to choose between the parents and the spouse. Since he said he would talk to his wife, I would continue to reach out by phone and see if you can make any headway in that direction. In general, parents should pursue whatever avenue of entry has worked in past; so if he has taken your call, then perhaps phone is the best method. I would empathize with him about his dilemma; let him know you don't want him to be in the middle and ask if there's anything you can do to reach out to his wife. If you haven't yet written some kind of letter of amends to the wife, I would do that too. Something like "We must have hurt you very badly for you not to want to see us. We are so sorry and really do want a closer relationship with you..." It can be a little nauseating, but you may have to do it if you want to see your kid and grandkids. "My Son Wants All of His Childhood Fotos Sent to My Ex?" What do you think about child e-mailing and requesting all communication go through his dad's parents? He has refused to give me his address or phone number and his grandparents won't share info with me either, yet they'll send me e-mail jokes, etc. Also he wants me to mail his childhood pictures to his grandparents who live in another state. I e-mailed via the grandparents that I didn't want to mail something so irreplaceable and take a chance on it getting lost or not knowing if he received it because I haven't gotten responses from mail I've sent before (eg. birthday cards). My son lives not too far and could come to my house to pick up the box I have put together for him (and I could leave it on the porch so he doesn't have to see me, although I haven't seen him or talked to him in 8 years). ANSWER: If you haven't seen him or talked to him in 8 years, I wouldn't be so inclined to give him anything without some kind of deal. You could write him through the grandparents and tell him that you'd love to give him the photos but want to see him when you do. That you'd like a better relationship with him, you take responsibility for your mistakes, and are willing to do family therapy if that might be helpful. I wouldn't leave the box on the porch or anything else because I'd want you to use this small piece of leverage to get him to be more responsive. If this was an early estrangement I might counsel you to err on the side of being more generous, but since it's an 8-year estrangement you have to use whatever small leverage you. An Edited Amends Letter
I often help parents edit their amends letter, or even write it for them. Here's an example of an edited amends letter with the identifying information removed: Dear xxxx(estranged daughter ), I wanted to write to you again, just to you; to say how sorry I am for all that has transpired between us in the last 2 yrs. It has been a difficult time for us and you too. (CHANGE TO to say how sorry I am for the ways that my choices and decisions have been hurtful to you. DELETE It has been a difficult time for us and you too). Forgiveness is a difficult thing for everyone but something we all have to be willing to do so that we can move forward. (DELETE- not specific enough It also sounds like a kind of demand or subtle guilt trip, which will only backfire). You are forgiven and I hope you will do the same for us. That's what parents do, who dearly love their children. (CHANGE TO: Obviously there are hurt feelings on this side but nothing that couldnʼt be worked through. A close relationship with you is the most important thing). I know you must feel the same way since the birth of your beautiful baby girl. (DELETE- sounds like you're trying to persuade her and a letter shouldn't have that element). You are our only child and we will always be your only mother and father. When you were born, you made our life more complete just as your new baby make your life more complete. ( I would open the letter with this statement since it's loving and tender). I hope that, very soon, we can all start communicating as a family again. Love Mom & Dad Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About her Childhood!
Q. Our estranged daughter is 28-years-old. In limited contacts with us beginning about a year ago she insisted on bringing up what she perceives as a horrible childhood due to horrible parenting. (Naturally we see it as quite the opposite.) We tried to listen to her complaints with empathy and have apologized for our inevitable parenting mistakes. It seemed the more we attempted to make things right, the more she ranted on and abused us verbally. We finally told her we would not discuss the past ever again because we had said everything we could think to say and anything she had to say was extremely hurtful and not productive. We should add that this is the second episode of the same thing we have been through with her; the first being when she was in her early twenties. At that point we said the same thing and things got better for awhile but then we "slipped up" by allowing her to start again...This time we REALLY mean it. Or do we? We heard you say a couple times that we should let our child know we are open to discuss her issues any time but honestly, neither of us wants to open that door ever again because we know what's behind it and we don't see the point in allowing her to verbally beat us up yet one more time. (We have offered to discuss it with a therapist but she lives in a different state and refused anyway.) We are hoping to slowly mend the relationship by using some of the strategies you have recommended - but just refuse to discuss parenting issues. Are we on the right track or are we doing the wrong thing by refusing to talk about her issues? A. I think youʼre right to limit or at least to structure these conversations with her. The fact that she has to yell at you as opposed to simply tell you speaks to fragility or an immaturity on her part. From this perspective, a parent has several aims: * Teach her appropriate response to conflict * Work toward resolving that conflict Weʼll talk more about this in future webinars, but in general, you can say, the next time this comes up, "We are very interested in discussing the past with you and can tell that you feel hurt and misunderstood. But, it hasnʼt felt productive to have the meetings go in the ways that they have so far. Maybe you feel better afterwards? It doesnʼt seem like you do. I guess if we really felt like your yelling at us was moving things toward resolution weʼd be open to a few sessions of that. But since weʼve tried that and it hasnʼt worked we have to assume that it may not feel any better or more progressive to you than it does to us. Weʼre happy to talk to a family therapist with you, or maybe you could write out in a letter some of the things that you wish weʼd respond to. We feel like we have, but maybe it wasnʼt enough." In that case you're both encouraging communication but you're shinging a light on her behavior and What if I think I did something that's bothering them but they never admit it?
* One of the reasons that some children estrange themselves is that they're conflict avoidant. They don't know how to handle the normal, expectable slings and arrows of family life and so shut down, withdraw, build up resentment until they don't know any other path than to cut themselves off from the parent. Overall, this kind of child needs the parent to be a little more thoughtful about what issues might create conflict or to ask about situations where there was an unexpected reaction. * Let's say you spent time with your child and your grandchildren and you noticed that when you were playing with your grandson your adult child looked resentful. While it might be hard to say in the moment, you might say something the next day like, "You looked kind of annoyed with me yesterday when I was playing with Jacob. Am I right about that?" If your child is conflict avoidant they'll probably lie and say no. If you're pretty certain of your observation you could make it easier on them by saying something like, "Are you sure? I'm wondering if there was something in that interaction that bothered you that speaks to other things you'd like me to work on. I really want to feel like you can be open with me about your complaints. Maybe I haven't done a good job of showing that to you in the past." * Note that here I use the phrase, "other things that you'd like me to work on." I do that because you're affirming that theirs is a reasonable request, and you're also affirming that you're someone who is open to working on himself or herself. THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-DIALOGUE Defending yourself too much or explaining their complaints away will cause your adult child to shut you off. Therefore, it is important to try to listen to the kernel of truth in your child's complaints even when that's very hard to do. How do you listen to the kernel of truth? One of the most important things is to distinguish between self-dialogue and the dialogue that you have with your child. Self-dialogue is the conversation you have with yourself (duh) when you're trying to feel better: You tell yourself "I did the best I could." You tell yourself, "It's not my fault because the other parent was not a good partner." You tell yourself, "You were a difficult kid to raise," if they were. You tell yourself, "Your memory of me is all wrong. I was a much better parent than you're recalling." In other words, you have to soothe yourself. You can't rely on your child to soothe you in this regard because it's unlikely that they're going to do it. This is something we're going to go over a lot in the upcoming series. What's required is to be practical, not to think about what's fair. What's fair is that you would actually get empathy from your child. In all likelihood, you're probably not going to get it- at least not anytime soon. So, learning how to be in loving dialogue with yourself is critically important. It May Be Less About You Than it Seems Our children's lives are on a different course than ours. By the time we have adult children our lives are in many ways largely set. We may be newly divorced, remarried, new careers, but we're largely who we're going to be. It's not so for your adult child. They're in the process of still figuring out who they are. They're raising children and working on their relationships. They're developing their careers. They may have their own mental issues. Our adult children are, for most of us, our central pleasure or joy if they're being nice to us. They're our central preoccupation when we're close to them. If not, they're our central source of torment. Either way, we're very oriented toward them. They're very much on our minds all the time. We're not very much on their minds all the time. It's not because they don't love or care about us. A lot of the adult children in my practice who are estranged from their parents say, "I do love my parent. I actually feel guilty about this. I feel bad for the ways that they suffer." They say that in addition to all the complaints that they have, but it isn't that they don't care. It's so easy when you're in the midst of an estrangement to assume that your adult child no longer loves you and only hates you and has completely forgotten about all the good, wonderful things that you did do for them growing up. For the vast majority, the love is still there, even when they're not able to express it. It May Be Less About You Than it Seems
Our children's lives are on a different course than ours. By the time we have adult children our lives are in many ways largely set. We may be newly divorced, remarried, new careers, but we're largely who we're going to be. It's not so for your adult child. They're in the process of still figuring out who they are. They're raising children and working on their relationships. They're developing their careers. They may have their own mental issues. Our adult children are, for most of us, our central pleasure or joy if they're being nice to us. They're our central preoccupation when we're close to them. If not, they're our central source of torment. Either way, we're very oriented toward them. They're very much on our minds all the time. We're not very much on their minds all the time. It's not because they don't love or care about us. A lot of the adult children in my practice who are estranged from their parents say, "I do love my parent. I actually feel guilty about this. I feel bad for the ways that they suffer." They say that in addition to all the complaints that they have, but it isn't that they don't care. It's so easy when you're in the midst of an estrangement to assume that your adult child no longer loves you and only hates you and has completely forgotten about all the good, wonderful things that you did do for them growing up. For the vast majority, the love is still there, even when they're not able to express it. A SAMPLE GOODBYE/LETTING GO LETTER
If you do decide to let go and there's some chance that they'll see a goodbye letter I recommend that you write something like the following: Dear_____ It's clear that my contacting you is more upsetting than useful to you so wanted to write to say that I will be respecting your wishes and not contacting you any more. I love you very much and am deeply sorry for whatever I have done to make a reconciliation with me seem so impossible. I know that you wouldn't cut me out of your life if you felt like there was some other way to preserve your own well-being and still be in contact. For that reason, I don't want you to feel guilty about that decision. I also want you to know that if you ever change your mind, the door is always open to either re-connect or to work on the relationship with me with a family therapist present. Love, Mom, Dad, etc Now I assume that that would be a hard letter for most parents to write, but it's the letter that I recommend you write if you're going to do it. The reason is: * You're removing all guilt and blame and anger from the interaction. * It's a selfless act but not a spineless act. * It's being selfless from a position of strength. * It sets the stage for a healthier relationship in the future But, I would rather no one rush out and write that letter until they listen to the upcoming seminar on making amends in a few weeks because there's still a lot more ground to cover and that kind of letter is really an endgame type of action. Why Individual Therapy Can Increase Estrangements
Helping individuals understand how their families affected them is indeed important. You probably know from your own experience growing up in a family how parents and siblings can powerfully shape who you are, your feelings of trust or safety in the world, and later, your ability to parent. The problem with this orientation is that so many adult children believe that if they didn't get what they deserved growing up, or haven't gotten it when they became adults then the parent is deserving of suspicion and contempt if not outright estrangement. This orientation also tempts the adult child to rewrite history from the perspective of understanding their adult lives from a view of what could've been with so-called better parenting. It may cause them, rightly or wrongly, to view their failures, deficits, or conflicts as resulting from mistakes or problems in parenting rather than developing a more well-rounded view of development and who their parents are or were. As important as parenting is, we now know that what creates an adult is also greatly determined by genetics, neighborhood, relations with peers, relations with siblings, other adults, and socioeconomic level. The tragedy of our historically recent preoccupation with parents is that it assumes that a) they're more responsible than they, in fact, are and b) that the deficits in parenting are something to feel mad about rather than some degree of compassion for. My Son Isn't Inviting Me To His Wedding!
QUESTION: A year ago we were discussing wedding plans with our son and future daughter-in-law when they said they were going out of the country to get married and would not be inviting anyone. I said, 'We respect your decision, but if any of her family is invited then we would expect to be included also.' After they left my son called me crying hysterically and told me to never contact him again. I've mentioned to him that I was following his request until he told me differently. Am I responding correctly by not contacting him? A. I would say since this came out of the blue and you were in contact up to that point, I wouldn't respect that request, initially. I would pursue it. It's not completely clear what his objection was. It sounds like his objection was that you have the gall to say that if they're going to invite her parents, then you would want to be invited too. I can see why you would say that. I could imagine myself saying that. It seems like a reasonable thing to say. My guess is that they probably were inviting her parents and A) she took it out on him in some kind of way or B) he has a lot of fragility around his autonomy, so the fact that you're making any demands around "his" wedding makes you persona non grata. I would try to reach out to him. I would make it clear that you weren't trying to be controlling or pushy but acknowledge that it may have came across that way. Make it clear that you love him and want to be close to him. Say, "This is something that could be worked out." Don't say "should" because that's a demand. In general, in the early period of an estrangement, you shouldn't take at face value the request unless the kid just gets inflamed when you try to reach out. What happens with a lot of parents is that they feel they're damned if they do, damned if they don't. If they pursue the kid, they may get accused of stalking them. If they don't, then they get accused of neglecting them. For now, better to get accused of the former. How to Ask Your Friends for Support About Estrangement One of the great problems of estrangement is the social isolation that it can engender. This is because most estranged parents carry ongoing and burdensome feelings of shame and fear, sometimes rightly, that they'll endure some kind of censure if they tell others about their situation. Which is tragic because one of the things that we know from research is that social support is critical to a happy or resilient life. However, getting the right kind of support is often a challenge from those who've never experienced it. So, I generated a sample letter that you could send to a friend or friends who you'd like to reach out to for support or reach out to for more support. Dear Friends, As you may nor may not know, I've been in a bit of a crisis regarding the estrangement from my child. I appreciate the support that you've wanted to give me. It means a lot. Some of you have asked me what the most helpful kind of support would be, and in general, the most helpful thing you can do is ask me how I'm doing, remind me that I am and was a good parent, that this isn't my fault, and that you don't blame me. While I know that any advice comes from a really good place, it isn't nearly as helpful as doing the other things that I'm mentioning here. I'm not saying this as a criticism or complaint, more as a way to help me to get the help that I need right now. I don't always talk about it (or I haven't talked about it) because I haven't wanted to burden you with this, especially because there's no clear or immediate solution, and because of my own pain and embarrassment about it all. Love, MENTAL ILLNESS AND ESTRANGEMENT
There are many ways that mental illness in a child would cause them to treat the parent in an abusive or distant way: * Their mental illness might interfere with their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, or affect * It may interfere with their ability to make correct causal links between their past and the parent's behavior. In other words, they may develop theories about why the parent behaved in the way that they did, or how that parent affected the child that have little-to-no basis in reality * It may cause them to feel in some way defective or flawed and need to blame the parent as a way to feel less shameful. In other words, blaming and abusing the parent is a way to preserve a sense of themselves as ideal and say that if they had had better parenting they wouldn't be burdened with the flaws they have or the way that their lives turned out * It may disrupt their ability to manage normal and inevitable conflicts between the parent and adult child. Because of their difficulty managing emotions, making causal links, or tolerating anxiety, a mentally ill child may be unable to adapt to the normal, expectable, and inevitable slings and arrows that come with family life * It may cause them to have unrealistic expectations of the parent or what they're entitled to receive in the parent-child relationship. In other words a child's mental illness may cause them to believe that the parent should make accommodations or provisions for the child that are far out of line with normal parent-adult child relationships * It may make them more vulnerable to manipulation from a more troubled person such as a SIL/DIL, your ex- spouse or other family member Man Wants To Sue Parents For Birthing Him Without Consent A young man has decided to sue his parents for giving birth to him without his consent. It may sound like satire, but "anti-natalist" Raphael Samuel is at the forefront of a social movement so new it barely has a name. "I love my parents," Samuel insists, "but they had me for their joy and their pleasure." The Mumbai resident says his life has been "amazing" - he just doesn't believe it should have been forced on him, and he certainly doesn't want to inflict it on someone else. "I don't see why I should put another life through the rigmarole of school and finding a career, especially when they didn't ask to exist," he told Indian outlet the Print. While some child-free activists tout the environmental benefits of not reproducing, and a 2017 study proclaimed having one fewer child was one of the most effective ways to reduce one's carbon footprint, environmental and population scientists point out that fertility rates are already declining - both in India and elsewhere in the world - and voiced skepticism that such a movement was necessary. It's tempting to blame Indian government policy for the rise of the anti-natalists: the world's second-most-populous country has been encouraging small family sizes for generations, with door-to-door campaigns urging young couples to stop at two children and even doling out financial incentives to poor families who opt not to reproduce. "Anti-natalism" - a conscious, morally-influenced choice not to reproduce - appears to be catching on in India, with multiple Facebook groups and real-life meetups springing up to serve this unusual outgrowth of the child-free movement. It has linked up with the decades-old Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, an environmentalist current that essentially posits the world would be a better place if humans quietly died out, and attracted "closeted" child-free Indian couples who say they've faced judgment, even persecution in their communities and families for choosing not to have offspring. Posting as Nihilanand on Facebook, Samuel shares droll memes ("Isn't forcing a child into this world and then forcing it to have a career kidnapping and slavery?") featuring photos of himself sporting a billowing black beard. The anti-natalists - currently operating as "Stop Making Babies," though the name is subject to change - plan to hold their first national conference on Sunday in Bengaluru. While the movement has reportedly been percolating among young Indians for some time, this is their first serious attempt to organize in real life. They say their goal is to establish a national-level organization to spread awareness about child-free living. When You Should Absolutely Stop Trying
While the decision to keep trying to reconcile with your estranged adult child or just give up lives in the gray, there are conditions where it's much more clear. Assuming that your child: a) Isn't a minor and b) You have it in you to keep trying I recommend that parents continue to try unless the following conditions exist: 1) You have been threatened with restraining orders 2) Whenever you reach out, your child accuses you of disrespecting their wishes 3) You have been threatened with having the police called 4) Your child has told you that it's temporary and that they'll let you know when they're ready. In those situations I recommend stopping for at least a year because their reactions show that the situation is too inflamed for you to engage them productively. I recommend stopping for at least a year so you have it in the bank when you decide to check in with them after a year has elapsed. Having a defined period of time such as a year allows you to demonstrate that you're not so dependent on their love or attention that you can't function without them (or, that you can at least fake it!) Sometimes stopping completely for a year or so also works for the following reasons: 1) They experience your stopping as a show of respect 2) They experience it as a sign of your own self-care: in other words you have the ability to stop reaching out to someone who isn't rewarding that outreach 3) It allows the relationship to become less inflamed. This is especially important since your goal is to help your child to feel less defensive. If we're constantly circling overhead in one way or another through texts, emails, gifts etc, they probably have to continue to justify their decision to estrange by anger and defensiveness. 4) No contact may invite more self-reflection" "Gee, haven't heard from my mother or father. Wonder that's about?" 5) The absence of contact may cause them to miss you more DEPRESSION AND ESTRANGEMENT
About 1 in 8 women develop clinical depression in their lifetimes. The rate for men is somewhat lower but that may be because men often mask their depression through denial, anger, and substance abuse. While a high percentage of parents become depressed in one form or another during their estrangements, those who have struggled with depression much of their lives are even more deeply impacted by it. That's because depression can sap the drive that we need in order to push back against the self-critical, self-hating thoughts that can be triggered by an estrangement. Depression may also cause you to believe that everything bad that happens to you is either your fault or your fate, and therefore it won't do any good to fight it. And even more unfairly, your depression, if obvious, may make your child more worried about you, which may cause them to distance themselves rather than try to be close to you. Recommendations: Here are a few steps if you struggle with depression:
"We're Criticized Because of Our Gifts to the Grandkids!"
Q. It has been 2 1/2 years since my son told us off on the phone on Christmas Eve (after they got home) because he and his wife thought the gifts we gave our 4-year-old granddaughter were too young for her. My husband and I were speechless. Accusations went back and forth for about a year, and there is no communication now. I sent my son a nice card a month ago, and he returned it unopened. I have called him two times in the last year, and asked if we could see the girls, and he said he would talk to his wife and call me back. He never called me back. We went to our psychologist for about a year, but he said there wasn't much we could do at this point. Anyway, my question is: Should we keep sending presents to our 2 granddaughters (now ages 7 and 9) even though we don't get a response or a thank you? We don't send any more gifts to my son and daughter-in-law, and they don't send anything to us. Do you think there is ever going to be reconciliation? Will I ever see my son again? We always were so close until this happened. His wife is very domineering and she told him it was her or us!! He said this in an email to my daughter. He had to make a choice!" ANSWER: I guess it's a sign of the times that an adult child feels like he has the right to yell at his parents because he thinks the gifts that were given were too young for his child. This is also a classic case of the child feeling like they have to choose between the parents and the spouse. Since he said he would talk to his wife, I would continue to reach out by phone and see if you can make any headway in that direction. In general, parents should pursue whatever avenue of entry has worked in past, so if he has taken your call, then phone is probably the best method. I would empathize with him about his dilemma; let him know you don't want him to be in the middle and ask if there's anything you can do to reach out to his wife. If you haven't yet written some kind of letter of appeasement to the wife, I would do that too. Something like "We must have hurt you very badly for you not to want to see us. We are so sorry and really do want a closer relationship with you..." It can be a little nauseating for many parents, but you may have to do it if you want to see your kid and grandkids. And yes, keep sending gifts to the grandkids. How Your Past Affects Your Present Estrangement
The best tools that estranged parents can have in their arsenal is the ability to forgive themselves, develop self-compassion and remember what they did right as parents. That's because the ability to deal with an estranged child, the estranged child's spouse, or other contributing family members requires a LOT of emotional resilience and resilience is based on these properties. Sadly, parents who were neglected, abused, or mistreated in some other way in their childhoods often have the most trouble holding onto those feelings. They are typically far more vulnerable to feeling overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, regret, even self-hatred. They get more confused by their children's accusations. If the parent made serious mistakes, they have a harder time seeing those mistakes in perspective and moving toward self-love and self-forgiveness. They may feel less entitled to push back when it's appropriate with their child and less able to hear their child's complaints as a complaint, and not as a referendum on their value as a human being. Tragically, these parents are the ones who are typically the most likely to have made mistakes with their own children because of the lack of good role models. All of this means that parents with their own difficult childhoods need more help in navigating the already treacherous path of healing from estrangement. If You Were Raised by a Depressed Mother or Father
We'll discuss how your own childhood may have affected you, your parenting, or your ability to navigate your estrangement. For example, if your parent was depressed or neglectful, there may have been a reversal of roles. Rather than having the experience of being taken care of, you may have had to take care of your parent. Because children feel sorry for depressed and needy parents, you may be unaware of what you missed in your parents' unavailability. If your parent was depressed, you may feel like something's wrong with you, but you don't know what. You can't understand why you have a hard time finding satisfaction in your life or in your relationships. You don't understand why you continually get involved in friendships and relationships where you give so much more than you get back or feel so unfulfilled by what you receive. Thus, if your mother or father was constantly distracted when you were laughing, sad when you were happy, hurt when you were ecstatically lost in your own pleasure, or bored when you were mastering an important task, you likely concluded that there's something not very interesting or worthwhile about you. You may carry this confusion about yourself into your marriage and it taints your ability to love and to receive love. Without adequate mirroring, a child's sense of self sometimes gets muted; it's like trying to discover what you look like from a mirror covered with gauze. On the other hand, if your parents were depressed, you may be vulnerable to giving more than you get from others. In this case, you unconsciously comply with a belief developed in childhood that your role is to give to others, even if they give little or nothing to you. This may also cause you to be confused about setting appropriate limits with your children and prioritizing your own needs for care. MANAGING YOUR ANGER IN EARLY RECONCILIATION
For many parents, the hardest part of taking my advice around early reconciliation is the part where they don't get to say how awful it was for them. Many parents, fathers in particular, have enormous amounts of rage at the child for creating so much suffering in their lives and the lives of their spouses. "Why can't I tell them how awful it's been for me?" The answer is that you will move the ball closer to another estrangement and presumably your goal is to move it away from that. Of course, you're always free to yell at your kid if you want to but it may not feel very good to you if it only results in their slamming the door shut again. "Okay, so what am I supposed to do with all this rage?" Your goal, overall, is to get it handled before you see your kid. Call a friend and rail at them about how poorly your child has behaved in your eyes; write them a furious letter and then burn it; work out; meditate. Just don't get into it with them. Not until you're very secure that your relationship is back on solid ground which is often more a matter of years than of months. And if you get provoked in the moment, go outside, go to the bathroom or leave. Better that than to get all of your anger out on them. EXPECT IT TO BE AWKWARD FOR A WHILE: There's no way that a parent and child can come back together after a long estrangement and go back to some earlier version of innocence right away. That said, I have worked with a number of parents whose kids acted like nothing ever happened. "Hey, how ya been? Good to see you. What have you been up to?" as though the most painful event in the parent's life was just some little thing to be shrugged off. * TAKE THEM WHERE THEY ARE: Overall, if they're upbeat and want to be lighthearted I encourage you to join them there. If they're cautious and checking you out, then you can be cautious in response by not getting too far ahead of them in your mood or what you discuss. That said, you should do whatever you can to let them know that you're fine, you're happy, you're not damaged, you're not holding a grudge, you're not going to punish them. This goes again to the idea of reducing their feelings of guilt, worry, or responsibility. LOVING THE CHILD YOU DON'T LIKE
Q. "I wish you would write another book and title it "How to Love the Child You Don't Like." When I check out the forums, I relate to a common theme among many of the members that appears to be the elephant in the room. That is, that many of us - though we are deeply saddened by the estrangement - don't actually enjoy our estranged child during the contacts we DO have and if we are honest, we have disliked our child for a very long time. As one mother put it, "I wouldn't choose my daughter for a next-door-neighbor." Speaking for our own situation; our daughter displays the exact character flaws we tried so hard to teach against. Her nastiness is evident with many people over her whole life, not just with us. I can see how those who had a rough life can develop negative traits as a defense and I feel so sorry for them. But our daughter had a wonderful childhood - except maybe for us giving her consequences when she showed her true nature by mistreating others or by making selfish demands of us. We thought it was immaturity, but now that she is in her upper twenties, we have come to realize that this is her true nature. We have long since quit trying to change her or teach her differently. I am beginning to ask myself what hurts more - the actual estrangement, or the realization that the relationship will never be the close wonderful one that I dreamt of when I held her as a baby. Estrangement or no estrangement, the relationship is broken. Though I try very hard to recognize and honor my daughter's good points, (she's witty, intelligent, clever, interesting etc.), I could never like someone whose personal style involves putting others down for her own aggrandizement, raging so she can feel powerful and twisting the truth so she can feel righteous. I must love her, or I wouldn't be writing this, looking at websites or buying into your seminars. However, even if we do all the "right" things and she becomes willing to visit with us, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for a total reconciliation or that I'll ever hang up the phone without feeling a deep sense of sadness and disappointment....Yet, I'm afraid to loose her... In short, I can't live with her and I can't live without her. She KNOWS we don't like her. She's said it (in a rage), and we've denied it - but she was right. Do we admit it? Do we fake it forever? And how do we handle the pain? How do we keep from being hurt every time she lashes out?" A. I think it's an important question, and one that more than a few other estranged parents have wondered about. There are several issues here that are worth highlighting: While we all wish that we'd love all of our children equally, the reality is that many parents don't love all of their children equally and that has to be okay. Some children are more lovable than others and some are simply nicer, more appreciative and less complaining and that also makes them easier to spend time than a child is argumentative, oppositional, or blaming. I think if your daughter faces you with your dislike or disapproval you should say, "I love you, but I do find that particular part of your personality really challenging. I assume you have good reasons for your feelings but I feel like you're very critical of me and angry at me most of the time and that makes it hard to be together. If there are things you'd like me to work on I'm happy to, but I'd like you to work on a slightly kindler, gentler approach with me." Autonomy, Hostility and Estrangement
Many parents are unprepared for the degree of hostility and antagonism that they get from their adult children and find that they have little experience from their prior relationships to prepare them for how hurt, betrayed, and angry they feel in response. In addition, because parents in most ways crave their adult children's love, they have no immunity to such an aggressive repudiation of the parent's love and years of investment and sacrifice. As a result, the parent can be made to feel that they have nothing to offer the child and that their love is toxic to the very person whose love and opinion of them they value the most. This may be especially challenging for those parents with their own childhood wounds. However, for children who are working on becoming independent, anger, aggression and hostility are powerful firewalls against guilt and worry. "I don't have to worry about your feelings because you make me so mad, it must be your fault." A child's mental illness or addictions may also make them more anger, critical or rejecting. They may be hostile in part because they're doing the bidding of their husbands, wives, or your ex. Never simple or easy is it? DO I EVEN WANT TO KEEP TRYING?
One of the things that parents have to decide is whether they have it in them to keep trying or whether it's better for their mental health to throw in the towel. Sometimes, and this is important, what might be better for our adult child isn't better for us; and at this point of your lives, you get to decide. And that may well mean deciding not to continue to work on it. I think this may be particularly confusing terrain for mothers who are socialized to put themselves last and to always keep trying. So, if you're on the fence, let me start by saying maybe you shouldn't try. Here is the case against trying: * Maybe it costs you too much psychologically. * Maybe trying means having to remain open to someone who just dumps raw sewage on you every time you encounter him or her. * Maybe trying means that your self-esteem gets constantly put up on the auction block for the lowest bidder which happens to be the one person whose opinion you care the most about-your child. * Maybe it's too hard to keep trying because the rejection from your child reminds you too much of how rejected you felt by your own parents or family. And you just don't have that much to give because so much of your energy goes every day to trying to feel like you have a right to be alive or have any kind of a life, even before the trauma of estrangement was visited upon you. "How Many Times Do I Have to Apologize??"
Q. I have tried for 2 years to reconcile - which means, I have said "I am sorry" a gazillion times. We are talking about a 43-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old granddaughter who I gave my all to for many, many years. I am just so tired of saying I'm sorry - should I just give it up - even though my heart is broken? She keeps saying that I haven't really apologized. A. I wouldn't keep saying you're sorry but perhaps address the fact that you have apologized and she's claiming that you either haven't or that you're being insincere. If she asks you to address it again you could say, "Well, I'm always happy to but did you feel like I wasn't sincere the other times that I've done it? Is there something that I haven't said that you wish I would or something else that you're needing from me? It's clear that I have some blind spots here. Maybe it would be helpful if we did some family therapy so I could get some guidance about how to be a better mother to you about this. "I'm So Angry at My Estranged Child!" Many of today's parents have invested far more emotionally and often financially than their own parents invested in them. They sent them to more expensive schools, took them on nicer vacations, gave them therapy, tutors; read all the best books about parenting and are now treated like they're the scums of the earth. In many ways, rage is an appropriate reaction. Parents who suffered a lot in their own childhoods or who have accepted their own parents' severe limitations feel especially challenged by children who refuse contact for comparatively small complaints. Because rage is sometimes the only firewall that parents have against internalizing their children's rejection, I'm not typically in a rush to help parents disavow themselves of it. On the other hand, rage costs us a lot psychologically, and it makes it harder for us to do the work of reconciliation. It ties us to our suffering rather than freeing ourselves from it. It increases the power of our children because it reinforces the notion that we have to protect ourselves with a mighty defense in order to not feel bad. It also weighs us down psychologically because it's not a pleasant feeling to carry around. Why Estrangement Evokes Self-Blame
It is probably impossible to be an estranged parent and not blame yourself. In many ways, self-blame is part of our basic wiring. It's a way to make ourselves feel in control over our lives. If only we do it better next time, it won't happen to us again. And for most parents, the idea that we have not only caused our children to suffer, but are in any way directly responsible for their not wanting us in their lives is such a painful thought that it evokes depression, anxiety, rage, even suicide. Those feelings can be evoked whether we agree or disagree with the accusations. The problem with this wiring is that it doesn't really provide much guidance for knowing what we're the cause of and what we're not. Because our children's well-being and our desire to be close to them are such powerful forces, it often shuts out the part of our brain that we need the most in order to work our way out of the feelings evoked by the estrangement. Our emotions are the touchstone of who we are. However, we are governed by forces that are often out of our awareness. In this Tuesday's webinar, we'll look at how those forces can affect you and how to move toward self-acceptance, greater awareness, and more serenity. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||